|kaleiphant (kaleiphant) wrote,|
@ 2011-04-13 23:37:00
|Current location:||on the savannah, like a normal elephant should be|
|Current music:||You must be out of your mind-Magnetic Fields|
|Entry tags:||along the road to nowhere, bad writing, curious brothers, lazlo, loki, pascal, sims 2, spork, strangetown, vidcund, why just why|
Along the Road to Nowhere-Chapter One: A Self-Sporking
Let's have a strong(ly bad) start.
I wrote this when I was seventeen. By then, I'd written reams of plotless Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon fanfic, half-baked original stories, and just atrocious Sim stories. I realized they were bad, read even more books on writing than before and read more novels, and practiced even more than before. I thought I'd grown out of bad stories.
Until this little gem slipped through the cracks of my cerebrum.
Includes: foul language, terrible dark humor, mentions of drugs (that are probably inaccurate), character butchering of the Curious brothers (and pretty much everyone else in Strangetown), and attempted poking fun at my past terrible writing.
My sporkings will be in brackets [like this].
Edit: Now with pictures!
Chapter One: It's Going to Be a Long Year
Glarn Curious liked alien babies. Glabe, his first wife, didn’t. So Glarn killed her and ate her. [That's a hell of an opening, teen-me! Does this at least lead to a wonderful plot branch?]
However, before the unspeakable (but oh so tasty) acts of cannibalism took place, Glarn’s twin alien daughters, Lola and Chloe, grew into two lovely children. [Oh dear god, the cannibalism bit was meant to be funny. It's gonna be one of those stories. And by the way, I don't even mention it for the rest of the story. Potentially interesting plot branch successfully avoided!]
Shortly after Glabe’s death and after the girls were sent away for burning down their school’s cafeteria, Glarn met Kitty. They married and had four children named Jenny, Pascal, Vidcund, and Lazlo. [And when Kitty or any of the kids asked about that redheaded lady from the photo albums or about that urn full of charred bones, Glarn said, "Don't ask such silly questions." And why did I make Chloe and Lola into child arsonists?]
As the children grew up, their personalities developed. This was rather unlike most of the children in Strangetown, as their personalities were wont to erode away into tiny bits of dust that usually had to be vacuumed up by their mothers because the little brats were too damn lazy to do it themselves. [This written by a seventeen year old who couldn't be bothered to clean her own room until there was company. Should've checked myself before I wrecked myself-or the chance to write a story that doesn't suck.]
Jenny ended up being one of those girls who wouldn’t get off the phone or the toilet. [Um, what?] Pascal ended up being a whiny know-it-all who complained about everything under the sun. [But, to be fair, he has good reason to: his controller is apparently screwed up.] Vidcund turned into a raging bitch [because yelling at peeping telescope Toms=raging bitch and not reasonably wanting privacy!], and Lazlo was lazy and had a cutlery fetish [I don't even remember where I was going with this, and quite frankly, I don't want to].
Vidcund, in his later teen years, tried to get with Circe. He figured she’d be the perfect match for him, what with her being a total bitch and all. [Because two "raging bitches" in one relationship won't end badly at all.] But she left him to form the amazing butthole duo with Loki. [That was their official title, too. The parson at their wedding said, "I now pronounce you the Amazing Butthole Duo. You may now kiss my ass." Then they both kicked him.] As Pascal and Lazlo pointed and laughed, Vidcund realized that love is like reading-it’s better done by yourself. [Vidcund was going to be doing a lot of "reading" for the next few years.]
The three brothers grew up and moved to a small cinderblock house on a hill to stalk the aliens that were constantly cruising the skies. Nobody told them that the house they recently purchased for the low, low price of two thousand simoleans used to be home to a crazy old guy who liked to snort toner and coke. They also assumed that the red splotch on the back patio was just paint. [How do you even snort toner? Wouldn't it kill you? Well, the coke would, too, but not right away. And oh-so-scary mysterious red stain is obviously blood. Again, I don't explore whose blood it is or why the Curiouses moved in here if there was a blood stain on the porch. So many opportunities for plot and I just flushed them down the toilet.]
As the brothers lived together, they began to develop a great interest in alien abductions and dreamed of meeting the very aliens they watched in the shower. [So then, abduction and impregnation with an alien baby is revenge for peeping? Disproportionate retribution, much? Also, aren't the brothers just charming?] After a particularly long night of stargazing, a UFO came along and snatched Pascal right off the deck. Vidcund and Lazlo watched in awe as Pascal was sucked into the ship, then as he was tossed out a few hours later. However, Pascal brought back more from his trip than a pair of alien underwear. [Why did he even bring that back?] He went in for a check-up later that month and found out that he was pregnant with an alien baby. Sadly, the underwear only contained a name (written in some alien dialect) and no address, so the brothers could not hunt the UFO down for child support. [Because intergalactic travelers are familiar with this system. Right.]
It wasn’t long before Vidcund got abducted as well.
Lazlo and Pascal heard a scream that left their eardrums in tatters. They rushed outside to see what was the matter, when Pascal turned round and heard a dreadful clatter…And saw that Lazlo smacked his head on a ladder. [When did this turn into "The Nightmare Before Independence Day?"] They found their brother holding onto the telescope for dear life before he was finally sucked up into the wild blue yonder.
“Why’d they have to take our brother?” Lazlo lamented.
“Why’d they have to take our brother and leave us behind in this God-forsaken town?” Pascal yelled. “Take me with you!” he cried, throwing himself in front of the telescope. [No, you had your chance and you blew it by taking their underwear. NO ESCAPE FOR YOU. YOU WILL STAY IN THIS CRAPPY STORY AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.]
“Why’d they have to-hey, that’s a weird angle to bend your neck at,” Lazlo commented, fascinated as Vidcund floated into the UFO. [Oh, Lazlo. I'm so glad you can see the humor in all situations, even your brother's possibly broken neck.]
Pascal peered through the telescope to see if he could find the UFO.
“Oh, look. The aliens are examining Vidcund. Wait, what are they doing with that probe? Ew….” [HURF DURF ALIEN SEX JOKE. Is not funny at all.]
In the confusion, the brothers’ mortal enemy, Loki Beaker, ran by and stole their newspaper. Many rumors floated around about why he had such a hang-up with newspapers and stealing them. [Freud would have a field day, what with rolled-up newspapers being kind of phallic.] Some said he didn’t get much love as a child. Others suggested that his theft was merely a ploy to get attention. Yet others were of the opinion that Circe told him to steal newspapers and he just wasn’t strong enough to resist her. [Or maybe he just likes stealing newspapers and really hates the Curiouses. It ain't that deep.]
By the time Pascal finished forcefully removing Loki from his property via his foot [then why does he keep losing fights to Buzz Grunt if he can kick a guy who is larger than himself down the street?], the spaceship had made its way back to their home and was presently hovering over the street.
As the two brothers ran out to greet their third, they were halted in their tracks by a cacophonous sound.
“Oh my god, what is that horrible noise?!” Lazlo yelled, tearing at his hair.
“It’s the UFO!” Pascal shouted. “They’re blasting a William Hung album!” [A William Hung reference? Really?]
As Vidcund fell from the spaceship, the only thing he could think was, “If I fall on my butt, this’ll be really embarrassing.” [And really painful, especially after the probing.]
So a gust of wind blew him over and he fell on his face. The ground cracked sickeningly where his nose impaled it. [VIDCUND'S NOSE IS POINTY. IT'S FUNNY. Not!] The UFO veered away, trailing the last of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” through the galaxy. [How appropriate, since Vidcund probably still can feel the love and will be feeling it in the morning. Okay, I'll stop with the probe comments.]
“Yay! The horrid music is gone!” Lazlo cheered. Pascal removed the bloody tissues from his ears.
Vidcund slowly staggered to his feet. “Why does my butt hurt?” he thought. As he continued towards the house, the terror finally hit him.
“Holy hell, I’ve been probed! I thought this sort of thing only happened in prison!” [Damn it, I said I'd stop, but teen-me wants to keep up this distasteful display!]
All this excitement caused Pascal to go into labor, right there on the front lawn. [Pretty sure that's not how it works.] When the gaping hole to the underworld finally closed and the screaming subsided, he held in his arms a baby girl named Shaquandrietta. [Like he didn't name her that, she just popped out already named.]
Nervous Subject, who just happened to be walking by when the dark portal opened and closed suddenly, was overjoyed for him. [Again, I barely explore this "Nervous is a dark prince" plot point(less). Why do I keep missing perfectly good opportunities for plot? Maybe I meant to, since the story wasn't finished, but I don't do very much with it in what I did write.]
That night, Vidcund was running to the toilet every few minutes with morning sickness. It was safe to say the Curious family would be getting another addition. [Durr, really?]
Meanwhile, Pascal tended to the Aquagreen plants. They didn’t pay him enough at the crystal stardust lab, so he harvested them and sold them for a pretty penny on WeedBay. [This sounds more like something Lazlo might do. Also, "WeedBay?"]
Three days later, Vidcund gave birth to a baby girl named Taquandiqua. [What is it with me and giving these people long names? I think in the rough draft, I got tired of writing out their names and just started writing "Shaq" and "Taq."] Unfortunately, Social Services found out about the lab in which they worked. They sent a young nanny to take both Pascal and Vidcund’s daughters. [Why did no one tell them they'd get their kids taken away if they worked there? Also, remember this, because there will be a gaping plothole over it later.]
“No! Not my baby! They can’t take her!” Pascal’s mascara ran as fast as his legs after the blue social worker van. [He should've used waterproof.] As the van sped into the distance, he slowed to a halt. “Oh, Shaquandrietta. I barely knew ye.” He continued to weep into his hands. Black tears dotted the path of 2 Cover Up Road. [Cue Simple Plan's "Untitled." Did I really write this crap as humor? It's like if I re-wrote "Rain in the Desert" immediately after getting my wisdom teeth out.]
Vidcund stood off to the side. “Well, this sucks.” [And he wonders why he can't get laid.]
What a barely decent-grammar having horror of a story. It gets worse. In the next chapter, the Curious brothers are desperate for cash and will do anything.
And I mean anything.
Nervous is having a breakdown. How will Lazlo react?
"Aspiration failure is so hot."
I don't write like that anymore. Hopefully.