Along the Road to Nowhere-Chapter Seven: A Self Sporking
One more short chapter, and I'll be done with this.
I'd put a content warning, but I'm not sure what I'm warning for anymore.
Chapter Seven: Smash the Beaker [That's a bad omen.]
Desdemona soon grew into a child and joined her brother at Strangetown elementary. [She then proceeds to not be in the plot much because children are boring.]
While not quite as fixated on universal destruction as Damien when he was a toddler, Desdemona proved to be quite a mischievous girl. Her favorite card game was 52 pick-up. Spoons, when she was around, took on new purposes. Even the chess pieces mysteriously disappeared when she and Damien played chess. [I think I was trying to make Desdemona seem "quirky." It comes off as "trying too hard."]
Of course, only Damien’s pieces disappeared while Desdemona’s remained firmly on the board, waiting to take Damien’s king. Damien still hadn’t figured out where they went. [Damien, stop taking after Loki.]
Even with both children old enough to figure out (and potentially tell Nervous) that Loki was having an affair, Loki continued to harass Vidcund at the mall. He just couldn’t help himself; Vidcund was so easily harassed. [Stop blaming Vidcund for your idiocy.] The way he shoved Loki away, jammed his delicate little heel into Loki’s toes [Vidcund wears combat boots. Even if his heel is "delicate," it's still going to hurt.], his wonderful way with words as he told Loki off…
“If you don’t stop screwing around with me, I’ll rip off your goddamn beard and shove it up your ass!” [That sounds painful, considering the shape of Loki's beard.]
PLZ TO HAS UR BABBIES, VIDSIES, kthxbye. [I think Loki has some kind of humiliation fetish that he has trouble controlling. It would have been nice to get some insight on his psyche, but that doesn't really happen in this story.]
Damien decided he’d had enough of this. One day, while Loki was enjoying the pair of tighty-whiteys Vidcund had forgotten on that fateful day, [Wow, that's really creepy, even for Loki.] Damien called Vidcund and asked if he wanted to come over. He apologized for the threats he’d made after he heard that Vidcund wasn’t willingly cheating with Loki. He promised that there weren’t even any bricks lying around. [I don't think an apology can make up for those crazy threats Damien made.]
After finishing up with the underwear, Loki was bored and having a butthole attack. [Okay, this just makes it sound like Loki has a poorly made-up disorder.] He called the matchmaker, momentarily forgetting all about Randy and his “present,” and asked for someone who would Woohoo on the first night just see what happened. [For a scientist, Loki is surprisingly bad at visualizing future events.]
The matchmaker sent him a naughty maid named Kaylynn. [It was actually Kaylynn Langerak, if I remember correctly. If I'd played a megahood, this could have been an interesting side plot, but no.]
“You’re a very dirty boy, Loki,” Kaylynn purred. “I think you need to be cleansed-of your clothing.” [No.]
“Before we get to the cleaning, I think we’d better fluff the cushions…” [This is seriously the worst innuendo ever.]
Loki grabbed her buttocks, not realizing that Nervous and Vidcund were standing right behind him.
“How could you?!” Nervous cried. “After I put up with your lack of attentiveness, your whining about the toilets at SimDonalds, your ridiculous facial hair, your handcuffs…I actually had your kids, you asshole!” A loud slap could be heard as Nervous lunged at Loki, a murderous gleam crossing those normally benign eyes. [Why did I write Nervous as some innocent, docile thing who could do no wrong? Also, "murderous gleam" may have been the wrong words, since Nervous shows no signs of going the black widower route. Too bad, because that actually may have made the story a little more interesting. Not better, gods no, but more interesting.]
“Shut up, bitch!” Loki slapped Nervous back. “You’re just a lousy little test subject-turned-whore that I just happened to end up sleeping with for an experiment! It was all Circe’s idea, but she had to go and get all butthurty jealous and shit!” [Loki sounds like he's about fourteen with an attitude problem. Actually, I take that back. To say that would be an insult to fourteen-year-olds. Does Loki do everything Circe tells him to? He probably does.]
There were a million combinations of words Loki could have chosen. He managed to choose the exact ones that would trigger Nervous to attack him. [Loki needs to put a trigger warning on his mouth.] Loki fought back, landing quite a few punches, even while in a headlock.
Would it have been so wrong to admit he was a little turned on at that moment?
As he lay on the ground after that poorly timed comment and a well-landed hit from Nervous, he was able to answer that question. [I'm thoroughly convinced that maybe Loki's brain has been fried from experiments far more than Nervous's has. That's probably what happened in that section that got cut from chapter three.]
“You little punk!” [But he's grown out his mohawk!] Loki took a swing and made a nice little bruise on Nervous’s cheek. Nervous staggered backwards, seeming to break loose from the fury when he saw Damien come outside.
Damien wept bitterly, not because his parents were going to split up, but because he hated seeing his mother treated so harshly. [I kind of feel bad for making a poor little pixel kid's life a mess.]
Vidcund hated seeing Nervous treated so harshly, too. He was fine when the two were just arguing and he knew Damien wanted them to split up, but when Loki bruised Nervous, his blood boiled. How could Loki abuse the mother of his children so easily? He’d seen way too much violence in his own life to allow this to go unpunished. [Vidcund has suddenly decided he's the Angel of Justice or something.]
“Don’t you dare fucking hit him!” Vidcund threw all of his 145 pounds at Loki. [I really did make Vidcund tiny.] He didn’t even mean to hit him; he didn’t even realize he’d done so until a few seconds after it happened. [If you didn't mean to hit him, why did you lunge at him with your whole body?] He immediately retreated about five paces while Loki stared at him.
Loki had never known Vidcund to be a violent person. Smart-assed, yes. Vindictive, yes. But not violent. [The guy who pokes, shoves, slaps, and fights with people who watch him with their telescope isn't violent. Right.] He began to regret harassing him. Maybe he’d done serious damage to him. [Oh, now you grow a conscience, Loki? What is with all these characters only realizing their actions have consequences until after they've committed them?]
Nervous had run over to Damien and was hugging him profusely. “I’m so sorry you had to see that, Damien,” he whispered, kissing Damien’s hair. “I don’t know what came over me. I’m just so confused right now.” ["Confused?" I thought you were Nervous! *dodges more projectiles*] Tears formed in Nervous’s eyes, but he wiped them away before they could fall. “But everything’s gonna be all right, okay? I’d never let Loki try to experiment on you or Desdemona.” [Aw. That's actually kind of sweet.]
Damien smiled, snuggling against Nervous’s soft white t-shirt.
“Come on, kid. Let’s blow this joint.” Nervous gave a light ruffle to Damien’s hair. “I’ll go get your sister.” ["Blow this joint"? Is Nervous a 1930s New York stereotype? Should I have been imagining him going all "Brooklyn Rage" on Loki?]
Damien followed him, still smiling. His father wouldn’t be able to control his mother anymore. [Unfortunately, the messed up teenager who wrote this will be. Also, I think the trailer park they moved to was right next to Loki's building.]
Before Damien left, he made sure to tip the matchmaker well for her role in his plan. [Damien's pretty crafty for a seven-year-old.]
Loki was more than happy to see Nervous go. [I bet he loved to watch him leave, too. Sorry, that was lame.]
“Bye! Get out my house.”
“Gladly. Oh, and on our way out, you wouldn’t mind kissing my ass, would you, Loki?”
“I wouldn’t, but the door might take umbrage at your lingering presence.” [I take umbrage at you swallowing my thesaurus. Do you have any idea how much that thing cost?]
He learned later that the past debacle didn’t make for such a hot date, either. [How Loki could have even thought that was going to work out well is beyond me.] He received a “Don’t call me” note that was clearly dunked in the toilet of the Strangetown mall before reaching him. The two-word message was half blurred out, but he was certain the message definitely wasn’t “Love you.”
At least his newly-gained bachelor’s life left him more time for stargazing and “moon”-watching. [You stay classy, Mister Beaker.]
Vidcund was not pleased with this arrangement.
“If you ever look at me through that damn thing again, I will not hesitate to shove it up your perverted ass!” [Why does Vidcund have this fixation on shoving things up Loki's butt? Also, warning for the next section: I try to make Loki seem relatable and not a total bastard. Brace yourself, then scroll down.]
[This next section is probably best presented without sporking. There really are no words for this.]
At a time when pretty much everyone in Strangetown hated him, Loki never expected a call from his arch-nemesis, Pascal Curious.
At first, he thought he’d have to suffer through a horribly long and biting diatribe about his behavior over the past few years, but Pascal’s pleasant tone changed his mind. He just called to ask how Loki was and see what he was doing. Loki told him that Nervous and the kids had moved out and automatically wished he hadn’t. This would be a perfect opportunity to kick him when he was down.
But Pascal just said that he knew what it was like to have someone leave after a long argument, and he got over it in no time, so Loki would too. “It’ll be totally painless!” It may have been that Loki’s phone sucked, but Pascal’s voice seemed strained.
Loki asked how Pascal was and if he’d seen any aliens lately. Pascal told him all about his alien abduction, his twin girls, and how he only got to keep one. Loki, who’d been walking around as he listened, stopped dead in his tracks. He knew how deeply losing a child to Social Services could scar a Sim. Pascal had lost two so far; it must be unbearable at the house, especially since his brothers had left him.
But Pascal didn’t sound all that broken up about it. Not the loss of his child, not the fact that his brothers had moved out, none of it. He’d even “looked on the bright side” and said that he was happy he still had one of his daughters and he got to meet two new friends named Mr. Brick and Professor Von Ball.
“Something’s wrong,” Loki thought. “Pascal would have fought like hell to get his child back. “Or, at least the Pascal I knew would have.”
But he couldn’t ask Pascal about it, because Pascal had moved on to another topic, something about how daisies were really pretty and just as long as he cared for them, they’d never leave him or get taken away from him just because of where he worked. Loki tried to join in, but he didn’t care much for talking about daisies.
He preferred roses.
The next afternoon, he called Pascal over. He had no idea why. He wasn’t even sure he liked Pascal enough yet, but Pascal came. He stood there, staring at the wall, until Loki came to answer the door.
Loki felt an odd sensation washing over him as he let Pascal in. His face got hot whenever Pascal turned to look at him. When he tried to talk to Pascal, his heart skipped several beats. And his pants were suddenly feeling tighter in a certain area….
But this was Pascal! The guy he used to trade insults, death threats, and punches in high school! Not to mention the guy whose pride he’d stolen, along with his virginity (assuming the aliens didn’t count). He couldn’t be attracted to him.
Loki was even more weirded out when Pascal started flirting with him. He almost pulled away, but then he realized that he liked it. He LIKED flirting with his mortal enemy.
Holy crap, what was wrong with him?
Loki didn’t get to ponder about whether or not he was losing his mind because Pascal started talking. “Y’know, I’ve changed,” he said, putting a soft hand on Loki’s arm. “I’m more open to things now than before.”
“Are you?” Loki questioned warily.
Pascal nodded so vigorously, Loki was afraid he’d dislocate his neck. “And you don’t seem like such a bad guy now.”
Loki didn’t respond. Although it would be very weird, considering their history, he sort of liked the idea of having Pascal around. Pascal seemed nice enough, if you weren’t on his bad side, he was more “open” to things, and, let’s face it, he didn’t look half bad.
That was why Loki had no problem letting Pascal lean on him when he started to cry, seemingly out of nowhere. It wasn’t just a little sobbing either; he was inconsolable for a good two minutes, and the sobs, although quiet, racked his body to the point where Loki had to support him. Loki hadn’t really touched Pascal since the night of the Woohoo.
But almost as suddenly as it commenced, the crying fit ended. Pascal gazed up at Loki with this emotionless look in his eyes, paired with a one hundred watt smile. He almost resembled that mannequin Loki had seen at the mall that everyone had sworn its eyes followed you as you walked.
“Are you all right?” Loki asked, genuinely concerned.
“What do you mean?” Pascal’s voice took on an airy, detached tone.
“You just broke down in tears,” Loki responded, looking at Pascal sideways.
"That’s impossible. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life!” Pascal rolled his eyes, smiling. “Silly.” His expression almost reminded Loki of Lazlo.
Loki wanted to ask Pascal more questions, but Pascal seemed to not remember his mini-breakdown.
Something was definitely wrong here.
Loki tried to put it out of his mind. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Pascal had changed. He put his mind to the task of sweeping Pascal off his feet.
“I can tell you’ve been abducted by aliens a lot, because you are out of this world!”
He succeeded in prompting Pascal to think the temperature of the room had increased. With a little kissing, he got Pascal to stay the night.
It felt good to have somebody next to him in bed at night. It felt even better to be with someone for whom he cared.
Loki woke up early. He watched Pascal sleeping. Pascal was a blissfully quiet sleeper and didn’t constantly toss and turn on the mattress as Nervous had. Too many times, Loki feared that he would be thrown off the bed by Nervous’s constant and rough turning. Pascal’s movements were few and gentle.
Loki allowed his mind to wander back to earlier times. He still remembered his Woohoo with Pascal as if it were yesterday. Pascal had lain, trembling with horror under him. He had neither fought back nor cooperated. He’d completely submitted. Loki had loved it. He didn’t know why now, but he had.
Loki had been a little nervous when he walked past the Curious house a couple nights later and saw Pascal coming towards him. He’d been afraid that Pascal would suddenly remember all the horrid things Loki had done to him, that Pascal’s feelings for him had worn off and he was in for a crucifixion. But Pascal grabbed him and gave him the hottest make-out session he’d had with anybody. In Loki’s opinion, nobody made out as well as Pascal. Not Circe, not Vidcund, not Nervous, not his college Astronomy professor (though, he wasn’t too bad for a septuagenarian), nobody.
The Woohoo wasn’t half bad, either. Sure, it was disturbing and weird, but at least Pascal wasn’t just submitting this time.
Pascal even made the bed when they were done.
Oh, sure, he passed out after the Woohoo, but that was probably just because Loki tired him out. It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that deep down, Pascal knew he was giving in to his arch nemesis and that now he’d given himself to Loki, it would be easier for Loki to hurt him and screw him up even worse than he already was. It couldn’t be related to the fact that since he was thirteen, every fiber of his being had gone into hating Loki, and now that he loved him, his body couldn’t handle the shock.
Besides, they’d been at it until 1:00 AM.
But then, a month later, Pascal told Loki about their baby.
Loki at least got to invite Pascal to his house for a date before the baby was born.
He did everything in his power to make sure the date was perfect. Loki dressed the house up in a lovely scent from Lysol (“That should take care of the smell.”), cleaned every surface in the house, and put on the most romantic music he owned.
“I hope Pascal likes Insane Llama Pack’s new album, ‘Misery Bus to Hell.’”
The date wasn’t exactly perfect, but it wasn’t because of anything Loki did. Their unborn kid didn’t seem to want Pascal to keep his mac and cheese down. Finally, after a cuddling session, accompanied by Insane Llama Pack’s ‘Taco Hut Romance,’ they decided to call it a night.
However, Pascal let Loki know how much fun he had with a little love note: [oh god, I'd forgotten about this poem]
If you leave me, I will not cry.
If you leave me, I will simply die.
My love for you runs ever so deep,
I yearn to watch you while you sleep.
I wish for us to be together,
And stay in love forever and ever.
If you stop loving me, I won’t shed a tear;
I will merely cease to be living here.
I’m seriously not kidding, Loki; if you say goodbye,
I swear to god, I’ll slit my wrists and die, die, die.
Love, Pascal. ^__^
P.S. Do you like the perfume I sprayed on your letter? It’s your favorite: roses.”
I think I jinxed it last chapter when I said I'd gotten all the disturbing parts over with.