|kaleiphant (kaleiphant) wrote,|
@ 2013-06-21 02:04:00
|Entry tags:||along the road to nowhere, bad writing, curious brothers, lazlo, loki, mary sues, pascal, sims 2, spork, strangetown, vidcund, what the seven levels of hell, why just why|
Along the Road to Nowhere-Chapter Six: A Self Sporking
After a long break, I'm continuing this spork. I hope you enjoy it (even though this story is really not easy to enjoy because it's so disturbing).
Chapter Six: Vidcund’s Side Job
When Dufanisha grew into a toddler, it was clear that she was her mother’s (or is it father’s?) child. With Vidcund’s eyes and nose and Lazlo’s mouth, brow line, and coloring, the nature of her conception was quite clear to anyone with eyes in their head. [Except it totally isn't, because kids can resemble family members other than their parents. I should have known this; I'm one of those kids.]
It wasn’t, perhaps, quite so clear that Dufanisha was a bit more of a handful as a toddler. Except, maybe to Vidcund.
“There is no way she’s not hyperactive,” he thought, as he carried her away from splashing in the toilet for the eighth time. [Toilets are funny! Also, kids can be a handful without being hyperactive. And Vidcund has like seven active points and runs everywhere, so he has no business calling anyone hyperactive.]
In fact, he was so busy trying to keep Dufanisha clean (and away from the toilet), he had no time to clean the house. [I call bullshit on this again. Vidcund will pass up sleep to scrub every surface in the house.] Lazlo’s shifts changed again and he was spending long hours in the lab. [Why have I conveniently kept Lazlo out of the picture all this time? It's like i'm trying to make life hard for Vidcund. Don't coddle your characters, but cut them some slack sometime!]
And someone had to teach Dufanisha to walk, talk, and use the toilet (for purposes other than play). He sure as hell wasn’t going to hire some brain-dead nanny who’d only get in the way and have accidents all over the trailer. [Really, the potty humor is getting old. This was supposedly written by a seventeen-year-old, not a ten-year-old.]
So with the help of Vidcund, Dufanisha grew into a very “interesting” little girl. [And I still don't give any clues about whether this is in Sim years or normal human years. For all I know, Dufanisha grows into a seven-year-old in a few months.] Vidcund realized just how interesting she was when she came home from school one day and asked, “What’s Woohoo?” [WHAT.]
Vidcund stared at her for about a minute before he finally asked, “Where did you hear such a word?”
“One of the kids said it at school. Buck Grunt, I think. He said his older brother does it all the time. It sounds dangerous because he also said he could hear the bed creaking and it sounded like the floor was going to fall in. Dad, why are you turning red?” [Maybe it's because his daughter isn't even out of first grade and is asking awkward questions. Also, why is Buck listening to Ripp's love life?]
Vidcund continued to stare with eyes wide open. “It’s something only grown-ups are supposed to do,” he finally answered, hoping that’d kill the awkwardness.
“Oh, you mean like sex.” [Why is she using the word "Woohoo" when she can just say "sex?" Pick one terminology and stick with it.]
Vidcund was beginning to resemble an anime heroine. “And where did you learn that word?!” [Probably from Damien. Or Buck.]
“Oh, Dad. From the health books. I read all about it, how it can lead to babies and how we should wait until we’re old and married to have it.” Dufanisha looked up at Vidcund. “Didn’t you read about sex ed when you were in grade school?” [Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that a six-year-old learned all about sex from a health book written for teens and not only didn't get bored, but understood and didn't run away screaming and then took a vow of chastity? She's six, not sixteen! Clearly, I didn't know how to write children, and it looks like I wrote Dufanisha as if she's a very rational teenager instead of a child. I think Dufanisha just might be a Mary-Sue.]
After many more minutes of staring, Vidcund answered, “Yes….But not that early.” [He probably just learned how to have sex from Lazlo in this story.]
It astonished Vidcund to see how mature Dufanisha was. [Yup, she's a Sue.] Not that he himself was not a mature person, but he had always thought of her as his little girl and treated her as such. He hoped he hadn’t offended her by speaking to her as a child. [The grammar on this is really bad. He "spoke to her as a child." That sounds like it could mean that he talked to her like he would a child, or he took her back in time to his own childhood and introduced her to his child-self. Oh...Wow. That would really be an awkward introduction: "Hey, child-me! I'm you in the future and this is your daughter that I had with your brother Lazlo! Why are you calling the cops?"]
Then again, Vidcund had been the same way when he was her age (minus the willingness to admit that he knew what sex was) [I don't even know what to comment there], and he understood that adults spoke to him in such a way because he was a child. Perhaps Dufanisha, too, understood this. Perhaps she was more like him than he previously thought. [Yeah, you're both Mary-Sues who are "wise beyond your years."]
Then he overheard her telling her friend the latest butt joke and thought, “She is so Lazlo.” [What is with the constant butt humor in this?]
Despite her immature sense of humor (which wasn’t that odd on a six-year-old), Dufanisha had other mature qualities. She offered to help out with earning money (though Vidcund told her many times that she didn’t have to) by opening a lemonade stand. [That's actually kind of cute, but it doesn't decrease the Mary-Sue factor.]
Vidcund decided that now that Dufanisha was a child (and old enough to be left with a nanny), he could start going to community lots to earn money. [And already I can sense the story turning.]
He started off playing guitar in front of the local coffee house, AstroDollars. He was a fairly decent guitar player and some days, he managed to get a few tips.
But if he got many customers like Goopy Gilscarbo, he wouldn’t earn much.
“Boo! Mozart sucks! Get off the guitar, you little emo!” Goopy shouted, jerking his thumb downwards. [Vidcund was clearly gothic. Goopy does not know his subculture stereotypes.]
“Sod off, you uncultured plebian!” Vidcund yelled back. [You're not British. Stop using those words.]
So Vidcund tried freestyling for tips as well, but nobody was interested in hearing his “fly, fresh, phat” rhymes. [Oh, dear god, never use those words again, either. You're not a 1990s rapper.]
“Boo! Your rapping sucks, too!” Goopy shouted.
“Don’t be hating.” [The truth isn't "hating," Vidcund.]
So he switched to working at AstroDollars as a barista when Nervous wasn’t there.
“Boo! Coffee sucks!” Goopy shouted. [Why is it always Goopy who is doing the heckling?]
“Don’t you have a job?”
“Er….No.” [To be fair, Sims don't need to be unemployed to have time to wreak havoc. Loki seems to have no trouble messing with everyone on his days off.]
He made a grand total of forty-five simoleans. [Wow. The coffee really must have sucked. Why doesn't he just go back to his job at the lab? Also, why hasn't the social worker taken their kids, since Lazlo works at that same drug lab job that caused Pascal's kid to get taken away?]
“This is all I made today,” Vidcund said sadly, giving Lazlo the money. “It might be enough to pay the bills.”
Lazlo drew him into a kiss. “That’s okay. My job will keep us stable no matter how much or how little you make.” [Then why does Vidcund need to take these side jobs?]
“Boo! Your kissing sucks!” Goopy yelled. [I'd say this joke was getting old, but it wore out its welcome at its first appearance and it's barely a joke.]
“What the hell are you doing looking in my window, pervert?” Vidcund shouted.
“Uh…Bye.” Goopy was off like a shot.
However, with pay cuts at the lab, it was getting harder and harder to make ends meet. Nobody seemed to want coffee since that new teahouse opened up the road. [I had just read "Memoirs of a Geisha" and taken a detour into being a weeaboo.] Nobody wanted lemonade either [they live in a desert. why wouldn't they want a cold drink?], and Dufanisha was forced to close her lemonade stand. [She wasn't forced to. She could have kept it open. Nobody would've come, that's all.]
After barely having enough to pay the bills, Vidcund took Lazlo to the bedroom. [No! Bad Sims! You do not need another kid!]
“Lazlo...Remember the last time we had a shortage of money?” he started hesitantly.
Lazlo was silent. He didn’t like thinking about their days in the old Curious compound, the three of them scrambling to scrape together enough for repairs. “You can’t…You can’t be thinking of doing that again.” [You can't. You can't be thinking of reusing this plot line.]
“It’s the only quick way,” Vidcund resigned. [You could always go work at the teahouse.] “We have to pay the bills somehow, or we’ll go into debt and that’ll only cause more problems. Unless we borrow from-”
“No.” The answer was final. “I won’t borrow from him. Not him.” Lazlo sighed and put a hand on Vidcund’s shoulder. “I guess…You’ll have to do what you have to do.” [What?! No, you can totally ask for money from Pascal, especially if it'll keep Vidcund off the street corner! Why is it that when the Curious brothers have financial issues, Lazlo's first thought is always "Whore out my brothers?"]
That night, only one Curious brother stood on the corner of Nowhere and Dead End, waiting for a lonely or otherwise un-Woohoo’d gentleman.
Just as Vidcund was ready to call it a night, he saw the telltale hooded figure approach. [Really? You're doing this again? Does Loki just have a special "trollin' for hookers" hoodie he wears or something?] “No…Anyone but him,” Vidcund thought, praying to the Sim god that those weren’t [eye] shadowed blue eyes looking at him from under the black hood, or a head of blond hair emerging as the hood came down.
Loki stopped about a foot from Vidcund, his lanky form half-hidden in the shadow of the corner store. The two stood off, each eyeing the other, businesslike in the pursuit of pleasure. [Then it gets really choppy, like I'm trying to create a mood (but failing).]
“So.” Loki’s lips barely moved.
“Yes.” Vidcund could scarcely be heard.
“How much.” More of a statement than a question.
“Fifty.” More sandpaper than silk.
“For more than one day?”
Vidcund raised a brow. “Depends.”
“Three, starting tonight.”
A pause, complete with the obligatory crickets. “Your place or mine?”
“Yours. I have a child at home.”
“Let us step into my office.” With a sudden lusty air.
“Me love you long time.” Without the slightest hint of an accent. [First of all, I know you thought you were immune to this because you're black, teen-me, but you're not and that last line was kind of racist. Second, doesn't Loki have a kid at his house, too? Unless he's meeting Vidcund in the garage or while Damien is at school. Third, why are those sentences so choppy?]
That began the next few days of Loki fondling and hitting on Vidcund. Whenever Nervous stepped out to work at the Green Teahouse [why didn't Vidcund just work at the teahouse, too?], Loki rang up Vidcund. Upon arriving, Vidcund was tossed on the couch, made out with, and treated to many an ass grab. Just when he finally though Loki was going to take him, right there on the couch, Loki’d say, “Nervous will be home soon,” and send him on his way. [I like how Loki is pretending he actually cares about Nervous finding out. He didn't care about his affair with Nervous while he was married to Circe, and he liked her more than he liked Nervous, so he's just inconsistent.]
At first, Vidcund found it positively repulsive [then why did you agree to aid in Loki's adultery?], with Loki pulling out all the creepiest pick up lines and begging Vidcund to beat him like he’d been using the telescope. But later, he began to tolerate it, even (shock horror!) maybe like it. [And we're recycling another crappy plot idea. Apparently, Loki has the ability to make people like having sex with him, even if they didn't originally want to (at least, with Nervous and Vidcund). This is, as some groups might say, problematic.] Not even Lazlo’s late night talks with Vidcund could convince him that he was not in fact losing his mind. [Maybe there was something to Loki having "demonic powers," even though they were only mentioned once in a scene that got cut from chapter three. This is the edited version, apparently.]
With every advance he made, Loki became increasingly more aggressive, to the point where Vidcund was certain he wasn’t going to like it anymore. But he needed the money badly-and Loki always delivered the cash. [I don't care. When it gets rapey, run for safety. Unless you can't because you're being mind-controlled. Then...I really don't know what you'd do in that situation. Maybe look for Doctor Newlow and put him in a pool with no ladder.]
Then it happened. [Why do I keep giving single, short sentences their own paragraph like I'm trying to be dramatic?]
After the customary, “how’re you doing” grab ass, Loki led Vidcund into the bedroom. He flung Vidcund onto the bed, then threw himself to his knees on the floor.
“What the-” Vidcund tried to sit up, but Loki pushed him down.
“You hate me right now, don’t you.” Loki’s messy hair cast deep shadows over his eyes. “You want to hammer me, mutilate me, throw me down the stairs…” Loki’s voice sunk to a frightening depth. [And I see we're going to get some hackneyed insight into Loki's mind.]
It suddenly dawned on Vidcund. “You sick bastard.” [Hey, quit kink-shaming, guy who really wants to be probed by aliens!]
Loki seemed to climax the minute Vidcund glared at him. “Oh, god…You get it…You hate me just as much as he did…” Loki’s blue eyes were rolling back. “You even look like him…” [Wait, was this an attempt to deepen Loki's character here? I mean, I did it wrong, but was I actually still trying, at this point?]
Vidcund advanced, but Loki leaned back, looking almost frightened.
“That’s it…Just a little closer,” he breathed, continuing to back away as Vidcund came towards him, the rage frozen under blue eyes. “Just a little closer…and you can strangle me…mangle me…batter me…shatter me…” [When did Loki turn into a bad porn movie version of Dr. Seuss?]
“You crazy fuck.” Vidcund shoved Loki to the wall with his foot. [Get ready for poorly done, trying-to-be-BDSM antics.]
Loki slid down the wall. “Please…Pull my hair.”
Vidcund stared in utter disgust and turned to leave until he felt his wrist trapped in Loki’s vice grip. “Pull my hair. Please.”
Vidcund grabbed a chunk of the blond shock, dragging Loki towards the bed. [Y'know, if Nervous and/or Damien are home, I'm having trouble believing that they wouldn't hear Loki screaming.] Suddenly, he was on his side on the bed with Loki next to him. Loki pulled off their clothes and offered Vidcund his belt. [Why do I keep saying things like "Vidcund was suddenly doing this" or "Vidcund found himself doing that?" He's not a passive party in this. At least, he's not supposed to be. Unless he really is being mind-controlled.]
“No!” Vidcund barked.
“Fine. I’ll do it myself.” In a rather nonchalant way, Loki whipped himself in the thigh with the belt.
The metal buckle of the belt. [What the hell.]
Vidcund backed away, but Loki’s arm swung over onto Vidcund’s body. “No! You stay! You stay and finish treating me like shit!” [I can't believe I asked my parents to proofread this crap when I wrote it.]
When the whole act was through, a very bruised Loki collapsed in the space next to him. Vidcund scrambled out of the bed and made for the door. He could grab his clothes on the way out, he just had to GET OUT NOW. [If only he'd had that reaction at the beginning of his visit.]
“And just where do you think you’re going?” A breathless voice asked behind him.
Loki had dragged his battered self out of bed and right up to Vidcund, who’d barely gotten his pants on. He grabbed Vidcund by the shoulders and gave him the hardest goose he’d ever felt. Vidcund screamed. [Exactly how hard was this goose that it made Vidcund scream? Did Loki want a trophy of Vidcund, so he decided to literally pinch his butt off?]
Loki held him tighter, stuffing the last payment into Vidcund’s pants. [I'm not sure this is anatomically possible. There has to be at least a little space between their bodies.] Vidcund tore away from him, put his clothes on, and sped out. [And Loki did nothing to stop him, or maybe Vidcund did it super fast.]
Loki chased after Vidcund and grabbed him, trying to kiss him again. Vidcund tried to pull away, but it was too late; he was trapped in Loki’s strong grip.
By the time Vidcund realized what was happening [I'm pretty sure Vidcund already knew exactly what was going on here and didn't need to "realize" anything], Damien (and half of his classmates) had seen everything when the bus pulled up. Vidcund immediately ran off, Damien’s sobs carrying all the way down the block. [Damn it, stop messing up this poor kid's home life!]
When he got home, he saw that Circe had come to make her trashcan rounds and was currently being told off by Lazlo, whose shift had changed again. He couldn’t deal with them right now; he ran silently into the house. [Does Circe know what her ex-husband is up to? Because I'm kind of getting the idea she does. I didn't write many notes on what she was doing in the story, but I think I meant for her to be spying on him and exacting revenge. When she's not making out with Crystal Vu and buying things, that is.]
When he entered, Dufanisha was watching TV. “Good,” he thought. “She won’t notice how messed up I am right now.” [She knows she's the product of you Woohoo-ing your brother. I think she knows how messed up you are.]
Just as he was almost to the bedroom for his carefully scheduled breakdown [Vidcund, writing in his day planner: "Let's see: 8:00, make breakfast; 8:49, make every bed in the house; 12:14, yell at Circe for stealing my newspaper; 3:34 help Dufanisha with homework; 3:57, poke telescope users; 4:37, whore myself out to Loki; 4:44, mental breakdown. Looks like a full day."] the phone rang. It was quite obvious that nobody else was going to answer the blasted appliance. [Stop trying to sound British!]
“Hello, Curious residence,” Vidcund greeted, trying to keep his voice calm, though he was shaking inside. [Viddie's got the vapors.]
“Don’t you give me that fucking tone like you didn’t just finish screwing with my father,” the voice on the other line snapped. [Woah, language. Do you kiss Nervous with that mouth?]
“Damien! Where did you learn such language?!” Vidcund gasped. [Probably from Loki. Or, since Loki barely realizes he has kids, possibly Nervous.]
“None of your fucking business, you home-wrecking whore. [Remember, Damien is supposed to be the same age as Dufanisha, which is six.] If I ever catch you with my father again, I swear, I will beat the hell out of your narrow ass with a brick, Blondie,” Damien growled. [Why a brick? Why not a cluebat? Also, wow. Damien is kind of crazy.]
When Lazlo came into the house, he found Vidcund standing perfectly silent and perfectly still, holding the phone. [Oh, come on, Vidcund. You're just going to sit there and take that from a six-year-old? Tell him that's no way to talk to people!] The caller on the other end could be heard screaming from the doorway. Lazlo took the phone from Vidcund. Nobody was going to yell at HIS lover like that. [So now Vidcund is just a helpless little house-husband who needs his little brother to yell at foul-mouthed brats for him. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND VIDCUND'S CHARACTER.]
“Who is this?” Lazlo asked calmly.
“I could ask you the same thing, but I already know you’re the brother of the skank that was over here a few minutes ago!” Damien yelled.
Lazlo recognized Damien’s voice (and Loki’s colorful language). “Damien, get the hell off my phone before I come over there and smack the white off of you!” [What. "Smack the white off of you." What even is that. There are no races in Sims 2. Also Lazlo should not be threatening a kid, no matter how big of a brat he is.] Lazlo slammed down the phone. “What was that all about?” he asked Vidcund.
Vidcund broke down and told Lazlo the whole story of Loki’s deal, the prolonged service, the masochism, the Woohoo, Damien seeing Loki kiss him one more time, everything.
“It was like he enjoyed making me do that sick shit to him!” Vidcund sobbed. [Well, doy. Why do you think he paid you to do it?]
“That son of a bitch,” Lazlo thought. “Loki will pay for using you like this,” he said aloud.
“He did..He paid me one hundred eighty simoleans.” Vidcund showed Lazlo the crumpled bills, which had no doubt been up Loki's hooked nose at some point. [That's the first thing that's made sense in this chapter. I could totally see Loki snorting coke. For science, of course.]
Lazlo’s shoulders sagged. Had Loki not done what he did to Vidcund, they wouldn’t have this money. [You could have made more just selling Vidcund's crappy easel paintings!] What else could he do but use it to pay their bills? [You could burn it as firewood. It makes about as much sense as anything your character does.]
As he ran to the toilet a month later, Vidcund felt more like he was paying for what Loki had done to him. [SPOILERS: I didn't actually get around to writing that far, but in game, he has twins.]
Pascal had finally gotten around to calling Vidcund to come over and stay the night. [Please don't cheat on your younger brother with your older brother.]
Vidcund greeted his brother with a hug. He tried to come out of it after a few minutes to talk to Pascal, but he couldn’t. He literally couldn’t. Pascal was holding him in such a tight grip, it was getting hard for him to breathe. [Oh, yay! Someone finally decided to mercifully put everyone out of their misery, one-by-one!]
“I’m so glad you’re here!” Pascal breathed, tightening his hold on Vidcund.
Vidcund couldn’t move.
When Pascal finally let go (and Vidcund’s lungs decompressed), Pascal told him all about his alien abduction, his twin daughters, and Social Services taking away one of the twins. “But they let me keep Tyquanderisha; isn’t that nice?” Pascal concluded. [But why did they let him keep her? Why wouldn't they just take both twins?]
Vidcund was silent for a while. Maybe this was why Pascal held him so tightly and for so long. He’d been all alone ever since Vidcund and Lazlo moved out and he’d had no children since Social Services took his first one away [Except for the twins that he just had. Also, how did Vidcund not know Pascal was pregnant? Aren't they pretty close?]. Maybe he needed to have someone around that could relate to his pain.
Or maybe he thought Vidcund’s skin tone should match his eyes. [If he wanted Vidcund's skin to be blue, he could've just gotten him turned into a vampire. Of course, then his eyes would be red and they wouldn't match anymore.]
But as the night wore on, Vidcund noticed that Pascal didn’t seem to have any pain. [That's because Pascal is high as hell.] He just dismissed the topic of Shaquandrietta and Lashawnda every time it was brought up, as if it were a minor scratch and not a deep scar, tearing at the fibers of his soul. [I believe the words you want are, "Crawling in my skin, these wounds, they will not heal." Or something by Simple Plan.]
“Pascal, don’t you, um, miss your daughters and your alien niece?” Vidcund asked. “Don’t you want to talk about it, maybe get it off your chest?”
“What do you mean?” Pascal asked, in an airy, entranced voice.
“Don’t you ever wish to hold them in your arms again? Don’t you ever wish to see their faces one more time? Don’t you remember what they look like every time you look into the eyes of your children today?” Vidcund’s voice shook as he spoke. [I was just trying so damn hard to make the reader cry here. Too bad I laid on the schmaltz so thick.]
Pascal’s face went pale for a second, then returned to its normal color. His dark blue eyes took on a distant, blank expression. “Y’know what’s pretty? Daisies. They’re really pretty,” he responded, his voice full of that type of cheer seen in most fifties sitcoms. [Wow, I really pulled out all the stops to try and make Pascal seem like a space case.]
Vidcund choked back the tears as he decided to just drop the topic entirely. Pascal had changed, and not for the better. The old Pascal was firmly grounded in reality and never changed subjects or avoided talking about his problems. [He also liked to slap you and your brother around and call him an accident. Totally better than actually being kind of pleasant.] This Pascal seemed lost and so far removed from reality that he might as well have stayed in the UFO. [Like the UFO isn't part of the Sims realty, too?]
Then Pascal started talking about his two new friends, Mr. Brick and the Prof, and there was no doubt left in Vidcund’s mind that Pascal had lost it. [Oh, please. Like you've never had aspiration failure before.]
Sometimes he’d just stand there, staring at Ty, seemingly oblivious to her cries for a diaper change. The way he’d stare into those tiny black eyes made Vidcund think that he was remembering his other daughters. Vidcund feared that he’d messed his brother up even more. [I'm pretty sure Pascal doesn't need any help getting messed up.]
And he had the misfortune of being introduced to the Prof, whom he’d known all too well after leaving the Curious house.
Pascal wanted his brother, who was one of his best friends in the while wide world, to meet one of his newest best friends, the Prof. [Trust me, Pascal. He already knows Professor Von Ball.]
But Vidcund seemed preoccupied. He’d just sit there with that empty look in his eyes. God, why’d he have to do that? It was so scary. [Pascal seemed out of character. He'd lapse into weird childish speech patterns even though he's damn near thirty and has no playful points. God, why'd he have to do that? It was so stupid.]
But when Pascal came over and Vidcund saw him, Vidcund immediately smiled. There, that was more like it! Be happy! [I swear, there's going to be a segment on the Strangetown News one day: "Local Scientist Jailed for Carving Smiles into Victims Faces; film at eleven."]
As Vidcund cradled Ty one last time before he went home, he prayed silently that Pascal would come out of this trance and act normal so he could better interact with his child. [Here's a simple solution: why don't you move back in with him? That would solve your money problems and his sanity problems. Sure, Lazlo would probably have to come, too, but he and Pascal have to deal with their issues sometime.]
Vidcund left the house that morning in a hopeful mood. He began to think that maybe, just maybe, everything would be all right again. [Is this the same guy who, in the last section, was acting like everything was hopeless because he sold himself to Loki? What exactly brings about this change? It's too sudden.]
Well, hopefully all the really crazy and disturbing stuff is out of the way.
I probably just jinxed it right there.
Loki actually tipped him in-game.
Vidcund is not in-character.