|kaleiphant (kaleiphant) wrote,|
@ 2011-08-29 01:03:00
Along the Road to Nowhere-Chapter Five: A Self Sporking
I'm so very, very, very sorry.
(Edited: added pictures.)
Chapter Five: Nervous in Hell, Loki in Ass Guard [One of these days, Odin will smite me.]
Their new house wasn’t much, but it’d have to suffice for now. Sure, it may have been a brick oven in the summer, but it was nice and warm in the winter. Never mind the fact that Strangetown didn’t have a winter. [No Seasons yet, eh?]
On the outside, the house looked decent. The inside, however, was a totally different story. The downstairs was approximately the color of vomit. ["Approximately"? Like, it's just a little too far on the hue slider to be vomit colored.]
The upper level actually WAS the color of vomit. [You're sure it's not just nearing that color?] It smelled like it, too. [That must smell wonderful in the desert heat.]
At least the house had a nice big backyard in which Damien could play. [Wait, when did they have a kid? Continuity fail. Okay, what happened here is that Nervous and Loki had a kid because Nervous has severe Stockholm syndrome and the kid is demon spawn. His name is Damien. He did, and still does, scream for his bottle and for the streets of Strangetown to turn to rivers of Sim blood and has "mysterious dark powers" inherited from Nervous, because he's the Grim Reaper's son. Circe was oblivious, even after the birth of their child and was only alerted to the affair when she saw Loki and Nervous kissing. I assume she thought Nervous impregnated himself, despite the fact that Damien was the spitting image of Loki from the nose up. So Circe was pissed off and kicked them both out of the house. I think she got lonely so I had Crystal Vu move in and they lived happily ever after, buying expensive things and getting money. The male pregnancy is never explained, as usual.]
Nervous didn’t care where they lived; he was just happy he could finally raise his family without worrying about Circe corrupting their child. [He should be more worried about Loki's "amazing butthole genes" being handed down. Or Damien's murderous tendencies.]
As usual, Nervous continued to teach Damien in the ways of non-evil. [A good start might be changing his name.] The streets of Strangetown wouldn’t be running red with blood anytime soon-not on Nervous’s watch, anyway. [There is no exorcising montage and there are no scenes showing Damien's evil behavior or Nervous's teaching. Disappointing. The ultimate in showing instead of telling. For all we know, Damien isn't actually evil and Loki taught him how to say creepy things when Nervous wasn't looking to mess with his head.]
Loki, on the other hand, had spent a grand total of two hours with Damien since he was born. [Or maybe he didn't. PARENTING FAIL, Loki.]
Even though they were out from under Circe [Loki, if you'd stayed under Circe (if you know what I mean), you wouldn't be in this mess], life wasn’t all pleasant for the Beaker-Subject family. Sometimes Circe would drop by to show just how much she hated them at the moment. “Steal my husband, and I’ll steal your newspaper!” she’d shout as she made off with the periodical, much to Nervous’s annoyance. [This seems kinda petty. She should be focused on more important things, like buying an 800 simolean toilet.]
This was simply intolerable to Loki. He had his revenge through a blog he’d started on the Simternet. [I SEE WHUT I DID THAR. Too many bad puns.]
“OMG 2day I moovd in2 my pwn haus wit nEuRvUs cuz CiRcE da 3V17 bich kiced m3 out. OMG I h8 her she cin go die!!!111!! OMG v1dcunT iz teh suXX0r!!11!!!” [How'd Loki get so far up the science career track? Also, when I was first playing Strangetown and getting used to the names, I really did read Vidcund's name as "Vidcunt," and that was before I saw how he acted in game (with his three nice points and telescope-user poking). To this day, I have to keep myself from spelling it that way.]
Anybody who could decipher Loki’s complete bastardization of the English language was highly amused. The rest just wanted their five minutes back. [I highly doubt Loki, being a mad scientist, would care enough to do something like that. That is completely out of character.]
As he settled into a routine of being overworked and underappreciated, Nervous realized very early on that if he married Loki, “’Til death do us part” wouldn’t be a wedding vow, but a goal… [Hey! Stop ripping off actually funny people!]
Things had been hectic at the house with Loki working overtime, Nervous working double-time, and the house’s state depreciating in no time. [For those bad puns, someone should be doing time. The Joke Police will arrest me soon.] At the end of the day, when Loki came home late at night, he’d always find Damien sleeping blissfully in his crib while Nervous was passed out on the couch.
Nervous was a very heavy sleeper. If Loki tried to wake him, he wouldn’t wake up for crap. [What does that expression even mean? He wouldn't wake up for anything? He wouldn't wake up to take a crap, thus resulting in bladder need failure? He wouldn't wake up if Loki took a crap on the pillow? This is so vague that, in the context of this story, I'd believe any one of those meanings.] Nervous was also a very active sleeper. ["Active sleeper?" As in, he sleepwalks? That could be kind of interesting. Hey, maybe he sleepwalks and does crazy things with his dark powers because he doesn't realize he has them and--oh, wait. Sorry, for a while there, I forgot what story I was reading.] If Loki even went near him when he was sleeping, he ran the risk of getting a foot to the face. [Somehow, I don't think it's accidental.]
One can imagine that Loki wasn’t getting a Woohoo every night. [He's not? I would think Nervous's sleeping habits wouldn't deter him, considering this story borders on hentai.]
One night, Loki summoned Nervous to the bedroom. Being the obedient one he is, Nervous came upstairs. He was completely unprepared for what happened next.
Loki grabbed Nervous by the waist and threw him down on the bed. “Nervous,” he began, “we haven’t spent any quality time together since we had our son.” [Oh, no. Please don't be Sim porn.]
“Don’t worry, this won’t hurt a bit,” Loki said, sliding Nervous’s jeans off. [Why does Nervous not object to this?! Loki didn't ask to take his pants off!]
When it was over, Nervous crept silently out of bed while Loki slept. While he had enjoyed the Woohoo (it was a welcome change from being puked on by Damien), he couldn’t help thinking, “Was that what I really wanted?” [Oh my GOD. Surprise sex that Nervous can't decide if he wanted. This story IS a horrible Sims 2 hentai fic.]
One touch from Loki and Nervous knew the answer to that question was “yes.” [Because "I don't know" means "yes," just like "no" means "maybe," right, creepers?]
Nervous also knew, as he ran to the toilet, that nine months later the answer would remain the same. [Oh, not this again. "OMG nurvus iz pregeranantent whut willz hee doo?!111onehundredeleventytwo11"]
Unfortunately, this was very bad timing, as Loki screwed up horrendously at work and lost his job. His idea for a self-emptying bong didn’t go over so well at the lab. Suffice it to be said, the bottom fell out of it. [HARDY GODDAMN HAR. LOL LOL LOL DEREZ SUM PUNNY SHIZNIT HERE, Y'ALL. Why is Loki's workplace asking him to make a self-emptying bong? What kind of laboratory do they work at, anyway?]
When Nervous came downstairs and found Loki bawling like a newborn, he knew something was horribly wrong. [He knew it must be serious when he saw the trails of mascara on the floor.]
“Loki, what’s wrong?” Nervous ran down the last few steps to be by his boyfriend’s side. [You're about to have his second kid (how this is possible is never explained) and you haven't asked to get married yet? You do know gay marriage is legal in Strangetown, right?]
Nervous couldn’t make out what was wrong between the sobs and the wailing, but it sounded like, “I lost my job.” [The rest sounded like a womrat and the out of tune guitar at the coffee shop had babies.] Nervous didn’t dare tell Loki he was pregnant again; that would be way too much for him to handle right now. [The way Loki's written in this story, telling him they're out of toilet paper would probably be too much for him to handle.]
However distraught Loki was over the loss of his job, he got over it and found a job at SimDonalds, the fast food restaurant of Strangetown, as a dishwasher. [Fun! McDonald's totally isn't going to sue you.]
Now that Loki was no longer depressed over losing his job, Nervous decided to tell him that he was pregnant again. [NO. Bad Nervous. He can't handle the truth! On the other hand, even Loki's probably going to suspect something is up in about two days. Or four months, I really didn't decide on a time scale for this.]
Loki only stared at him with a stupefied look on his face. Nervous withdrew from the conversation. [It's not a conversation if you're the only one talking and your partner is sitting there and drooling, Nervous.]
Since Loki was always at work, there was no one around to help Nervous care for the house. Damien was growing up very quickly, everything in the house kept breaking, and after chasing the toddler all over the house and fixing or cleaning nearly everything in the house, Nervous could barely keep his eyes open long enough to study the home repair and cooking books. [I wish I'd written that somehow Damien was breaking stuff with his evil powers, but that would have required me to care about having an interesting plot.] Nervous wasn’t the type who liked to ask for help [SHOW DON'T TELL] and he didn’t like to admit it, but the second pregnancy was taxing him mercilessly. [Again, telling instead of showing. I'm pretty sure this story would be ten times more interesting if I hadn't infodumped for ninety percent of it.]
Luckily, Nervous had his best friend, Pascal, to help him through it. [Uh-oh.]
Pascal showed Nervous quicker methods of cleaning. Pascal taught Nervous the art of running off of energy he didn’t have. [But that goes against Physics. Energy doesn't just come out of nowhere. You should know this, Pascal.] But overall, Pascal was a sweet, caring guy. [Who occasionally likes to smack his brothers around and call them accidents.] He made sure he asked Nervous if he was okay and if Loki was treating him right. When it seemed as though nobody in the world cared, Pascal would be right there, assuring Nervous that he did. Without Pascal, Nervous didn’t know how he would have made it through the days. [Then why are you with a guy who doesn't care about you when Pascal is right the hell there? No one would mind another Pascal/Nervous story. It's practically canon (though, there really isn't a canon, I guess).]
However, in the later months of the pregnancy, Pascal wasn’t able to keep Nervous from falling asleep pretty much everywhere.
Sometimes, Nervous would pass out on the kitchen floor, waking up to the dripping of the faucet or the flooding of the sink. [You just said Nervous is a heavy sleeper. Now he's waking up to a quietly dripping faucet? Okay, maybe his pregnancy altered his sleeping habits, but you'd think that'd make him even less likely to wake up, considering he's exhausted all the time.]
Other times, he’d just fall asleep standing up, maybe in the middle of washing dishes. Many times, he’d woken up soaking wet because the sink had overflowed while he was using it. [Holy crap. He could fall and land with his head in the sink and drown himself like that. What the hell did Nervous ever do to deserve this, teen-me?]
What little sleep Nervous got was haunted by dreams of Damien’s plans for world destruction. [There's that plot end flapping in the wind like Loki's underwear.]
“By the next year, the streets will run red with the blood of Strangetowners and fire shall rain from the heavens unto the land!” Too many nights, Nervous had woken up in a cold sweat, Damien’s violent words echoing in his mind. [Damien's probably three. He's never shown any indication that he could make any of these things happen. And if he could, he got these powers from Nervous, who is half supernatural, while Damien is only a quarter supernatural. Nervous could totally take Damien, so what's the worry? You know what, that's probably just one of the many reasons why he's called "Nervous."]
When Nervous actually made it to the couch, his sleep was plagued further by nightmares of experiments done on him by Circe. [Understandable. Circe is a mad psychologist. She can freak your mind up.] He’d wake up, wishing Loki were there [Loki's probably worse for you than Circe], yet knowing that he wouldn’t be, as he was working late at SimDonalds again.
Sometimes, he’d wake up crying, unable to do anything besides sit on the couch, curled into a little ball. [This story is a good example of what TV Tropes calls "Video Game Cruelty Potential."]
Other times, he wished he hadn’t woken up. [Well, damn. That'd mean the kids would have to be raised by Loki.]
“This is not the life I wanted for my family,” Nervous thought sadly. “But there’s nothing I can do about it right now.” [Yes, there is. You could leave, like you did with Circe, and go to Pascal. You'd probably keep him from sniffing his alien baby until he suffocates in her butt or something.]
Circe was still angry over Loki’s infidelity. [Really, Circe? Still? Don't you have an expensive couch to buy with your new girlfriend?] Their garbage can was often overturned by her, leading to multiple infestations of roaches.
Nervous wasn’t the only one experiencing a total breakdown. Loki had become rather withdrawn after the loss of his job in the science career track, resulting in the appearance of the Social Bunny. [Loki, maybe the Social Bunny wouldn't be visiting you if you'd pay attention to your boyfriend and son.]
This particular bunny liked to stand around and taunt Loki. [Don't all the bunnies do that?] Loki would taunt back, much to the horror of Nervous, who was beginning to think both he and Loki were doomed to the loony bin. [The only bin you may be doomed to is the Sim bin at this point.] Nervous tried his best to scare the bunny off, but this only angered the bunny into attacking Loki. [How can Nervous even see Loki's Social Bunny? Don't tell me they're soul mates and can see each other's deranged hallucinations. Next you'll be telling me Nervous can talk to Professor Von Ball, or that Pascal can see the flour sack baby.]
The stress of not sleeping, Loki never being home, the decline of his mental state and the bunny’s antics were too much for Nervous-and his unborn child. The excitement prompted him to go into labor. [I don't think that's how that works.]
Minutes later, Nervous gave birth to a little girl named Desdemona. Looking into the tiny baby’s innocent blue eyes, Nervous relaxed. At that moment, it seemed to him that everything was going to be all right. [At least, until she starts talking about fire raining down upon Strangetown.]
Even the Social Bunny took a break from taunting Loki to congratulate Nervous on the new arrival. ["Oh yay, another Sim to torment!"]
Loki, on the other hand, was tired from staying up all night, fighting with the bunny. He went to sleep, not even bothering to fall to the floor. [Loki can defy logic in his sleep. Truly, a talented man.]
The Beaker-Subject house was, quite frankly, a sty. The oven was caked in God-knows-what, the refrigerator had more food on it than in it, and the countertops were becoming the equivalent of Atlantic City for bacteria. [Ew, and Loki, with his ten neat points, allowed the house to get that way? No wonder he can't function. I think I gave Nervous back his ten neat points for this part of the story, but he was too preoccupied with carrying demon spawn to clean. Also, I hear Atlantic City really isn't all that bad.]
All of their trash could not be contained by the tiny can and overflowed onto the already filthy carpet. [Okay, seriously? They really couldn't find time to take out the trash? Even Loki, with his ten neat points?]
Not even the roaches could survive the house. Their carcasses were strewn all over the lawn (if you could call it that). [When the roaches die, you know there's a problem. I suppose that means if there's ever a nuclear apocalypse, the only ones left will be the Beaker-Subject family and their demon spawn children.]
Nervous decided that he couldn’t take it anymore. The house was too dirty to live in. He didn’t care how tired he was that morning. He needed a cleaner, healthier house in which to raise the kids. Nervous downed four cups of coffee and got to work. [What's this--someone actually taking initiative in this story? Oh, hold on, I have to take this call...Yeah, that was the Grim Reaper. He just got out of a blizzard--in Hell.]
Meanwhile, Loki practiced for the job he would probably have until he was forty-two, when he finally decided to throw himself out of the Drive-Thru in front of the next vehicle to “drive around to the next window, please!” ["Well, this is unacceptable. We didn't order the Dead Knowledge Sim. I would like to speak to the manager, please."]
They’d probably bury him in that damn nametag and uniform. At his funeral, they’d probably flip his coffin into the ground. His epitaph would read, “Do you want fries with that?” [Again, my gallows (graveyard?) humor fails to be humorous. It would be funnier if I hinted that they'd "cremate" him in the deep fryer. It still wouldn't be funny (especially if I chose the Sweeny Todd ripoff route), but it would be more amusing than what I originally wrote.]
Nervous decided that Loki just wasn’t pulling in enough money for the household. Nervous knew he was definitely sending Damien and Desdemona to college, but he wanted to get them into private school as well. He got a job as a barista at the local AstroDollars coffee shop. [Holy crap, he took initiative TWICE. I think Nervous might be about to steal the title of protagonist from Vidcund.]
When one worked in a coffee shop, one saw many plots between Sims unravel. One also heard many rumors come true, such as the rumor that Circe Beaker had become a Peeping Sim and was looking at Vidcund Curious with her telescope. [This is pointless, unless Circe is planning to kidnap Vidcund for her crazy experiments. And we never get to see Vidcund's reaction, so it's not even funny. And how does a rumor "come true?" It either is true, and you just didn't know it, or it isn't.]
One day while Loki was at work, Damien grew into a child. He seemed much less bent on world destruction now than he did as a toddler. [Interesting plot point averted!]
Loki may not have been there to care for Damien, but Damien and Nervous still had each other and his little sister, Desdemona. [I tried to write fluff, but it just rings hollow.]
Things began to look up for Loki. He worked up enough courage to get his job in the Science Career track back. He ditched his SimDonalds uniform and decided if he ever saw another French fry again, it’d be too soon. And with the new job came the money to fix up the house.
Gone were the puke green carpets and stained wallpaper. In came the blue paint, teal carpeting, and new tile.
“There,” Loki said, pleased with the results. “Now it doesn’t look like utter shit.” [It still looked like "utter shit" in my game, even with that color scheme. My teenaged self had no taste, therefore Loki and Nervous had no taste.]
Desdemona grew into a toddler. As usual, Loki was at work. Nervous realized that he was going to have to get used to Loki never being there for his children. [Or you could leave. Seriously. Loki has proven himself to lack the ability (and possibly intelligence) to do anything to stop you.]
Again, Nervous potty-trained the toddler. He taught her to talk, walk, and not destroy the entire world in one fell swoop. [Again, we get no exorcising or de-evilling montage.] He and Damien were closer than ever. [But not close in the way that Vidcund and Lazlo are, hopefully.]
But Nervous didn’t really hold it against Loki. [Why the hell not?! He's obviously going out of his way to avoid you, and you have zero nice points. This is kind of out of character.] He knew that Loki needed to work in order to pay the bills. And it wasn’t like there weren’t times when Nervous passed up spending time with his children to work at AstroDollars. [Starbucks totally isn't going to sue you, either.]
It wasn’t like Loki was purposely avoiding his children or cheating on Nervous. [Yes. Yes, it was like that.]
One night, Loki was bored. [Nothing good can come from a lead-in like that.] Everyone else was asleep. [Convenient plot device, ho!]
“Hey, why don’t I be a total butthole and cheat on Nervous?” Loki thought. “Lemme ring the matchmaker!”
The matchmaker brought him Randy, a guy who wasn’t all that nice (not unlike Loki). [Hey, it's the exterminator from a few chapters ago! He still doesn't get any lines.] He and Loki were constantly slapping and kicking each other throughout the date. [And I don't tell what they did on the date or where they went or why they're kicking each other. LAME.] Loki was relieved when Randy finally stomped off the lot, ending the date. [Well, yeah, the date would have to end there. Like Randy's going to come back for more torture.]
Randy hated Loki so much, he left a little “present” on the back porch. [Oh god don't tell me I seriously wrote that.]
When Loki went out to take out the trash, he found a little surprise and a note:
The date we had was worse than bad.
It was the worst I’ve ever had.
An angry slap’s too good for you,
So have this flaming bag of poo. [That's really what the note says.]
lUv RaNdY!!!! XOXOXOX!!!!1111!!!!!
p.S. u R TEH sUXXX0r!!!1111!!!!
P.P.S. No seriously, fuck you, Loki.” [The note doesn't say that. I added those last three lines.]
“What the hell,” Loki thought, dousing the crap-bag. [Loki, actually doing something that makes sense? Wow. Also, I bet that was Randy's own poo in that bag. Sims are gross like that.]
Well, that was okay. Randy could go fuck himself, because Loki found himself a new cheat buddy.
Sorta. [I don't like the sound of that.]
Loki’d seen Vidcund walking by his house frequently. [NO] One day, when Nervous and Desdemona were asleep and Damien was at school, Loki went outside and started hitting on Vidcund. [And he's not at all worried that Nervous will wake up and catch him.] He could tell that Vidcund wasn’t entirely comfortable with his advances. [But that just turned you on more, didn't it, Loki, you perv.] Like when he asked if Vidcund had been probed lately because his “ass was out of this world.” [That line is so old.] Vidcund’s pained wince of a smile was nothing compared to the “just threw up in my mouth” expression his face bore when Loki told him he wanted to “execute the Anaconda Plan in your South.” [WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO SAY THESE THINGS OUT LOUD WHERE PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU. LURK MOAR IRL, LOKI. Didn't he meet his wife while lurking in a message board for people who like to lurk in message boards? How has subtlety missed him so badly?]
Vidcund’s apparent disgust didn’t keep Loki from totally throwing him on the couch and making out with him. [I think a description of Vidcund's meeting with aliens would be less disturbing than this scene.]
Then practically sucking his face off at the front door. [Good luck with washing the ten pounds of black lipstick and mascara off before Nervous sees it, Loki.]
Loki had more plans for Vidcund. The next day, Damien went off to school, Desdemona had been fed and put down for a nap, and Nervous had gone off to his job at AstroDollars. This left Loki with five hours before his lab shift. [Because Desdemona certainly won't be traumatized if she crawls in and sees you.]
He caught Vidcund wandering the neighborhood. Why Vidcund was just walking around was beyond Loki. [Maybe because Vidcund has a life outside of pervving on random Sims?] After all, nobody in Strangetown took walks unless they were up to something-or looking for telescope users to smack. [Actually, judging by the number of Sims that walk by the house aimlessly, I'd say lots of them take walks for absolutely no reason.]
This time, Loki grabbed him, took him inside, and threw him on the bed. [And Vidcund did not fight back at all. I completely believe you, Loki.]
Now, he noticed a mixture of fear and excitement in Vidcund’s eyes. [No, I think that's just fear, Loki.] That was the last thing he noticed before he slid Vidcund’s clothes off and gently began the Woohoo. [That just makes it sound like Loki blacked out before violating him.] That and what a cute little body Vidcund had. Curious men were very small, Loki noticed, remembering his Woohoo with Pascal. [What is with Loki's obsession with the Curious brothers' small frame? Why is Vidcund suddenly the stereotypical uke?] But that was just perfect for what he was doing now…
After the Woohoo, Loki fell asleep, and Vidcund tried to escape from him. [Because Vidcund suddenly regrew his sense of self-preservation.]
But the minute Loki heard the rustling of covers and the light steps of Vidcund’s dainty little feet [VIDCUND IS A MAN] on the carpet, he slid out of bed and grabbed Vidcund’s ass. Vidcund screamed with what sounded like a mixture of pain and pleasure. [I think we can all agree that Loki is a very, very, VERY unreliable narrator (even though he's not really narrating, it is third person limited and it's his point of view).] Again, Loki noticed a peculiar mix of emotion in those blue eyes. This time, it was a combination of horror, confusion, and just plain “WTF, dude.” [Wow, he's actually right this time.]
“Shh. You’ll wake everyone else,” Loki said, gently shushing Vidcund, who sort of collapsed against Loki’s body. Not that he had any other choice, as Loki was holding him tighter than the leather straps around Loki’s wrists. [Wait, what? When did Loki become a bondage slave?]
Later, on the way outside, Loki pulled away from what seemed like an unwanted kiss, noticing still more emotion passing over Vidcund’s eyes. Not quite disgust and not quite fear, but a general “what the hell is your problem” haze. [I don't really blame Vidcund.]
As Loki tried to figure out what the hell was his problem [hint: it might have something to do with the surprise sex], Damien got off the school bus and found his father, kissing another man.
Damien was crushed. “How could he do this to Mom?” he wondered as he wept. “I thought he loved him.” [Oh, dammit, teen-me, you've ruined a poor little demon spawn's life. You should be ashamed.]
“I can’t tell him about that man,” Damien thought, as he got ready for bed. “It would hurt him too much.”
That night, Damien gave Nervous an extra kiss. He loved Nervous more than anyone in the world and he never wanted to let anything hurt him, if he could help it. [I tried the fluff again. It's still kind of empty.]
That night, Nervous was none the wiser as Loki chatted on the phone with yet another potential John. [Oh, Loki. You rascally surprise sex-giving whore, you.]
I think in the next chapter we get to hear it from Vidcund's point of view. Even though Vidcund seems to be one of the smarter characters, the situation gets about ten times stupider.