|kaleiphant (kaleiphant) wrote,|
@ 2011-07-04 00:16:00
|Entry tags:||along the road to nowhere, does not compute, insanity, spork, strangetown, why just why|
Along the Road to Nowhere-Chapter Four: A Self Sporking
I want to kick my teenaged self. Hard.
(Edit: Added pictures.)
Chapter Four: Pascal's Hate Triangle and Spiral into Insanity
That night, Pascal woke up from his nap to an unnaturally silent house and realized that something was wrong.
Very wrong. [Pascal is knocking on the fourth wall.]
He found the note taped to his bedroom door:
Lazlo and I have decided to leave the house. It’s time we found our own places anyway, right? [Trying really hard not to make jokes about a certain part of the United States in which I live...] I tried to get Lazlo to stay, I really did, but considering the situation between the two of you, we just couldn’t bear to live here anymore. [O TEH PAINZ]
Your brother, Vidcund." [At least he didn't sign it "LOVE Vidcund." We might have a possible cheating situation on our hands.]
“Oh my God…What have I done?” Pascal thought. [What have YOU done? I'M the one who wrote the god-awful story.] “I’ve driven away my two little brothers.”
Pascal spent the night doing household chores. Housework was the one thing he could do without having to think about what he was doing. It was as if he were on autopilot for the whole night, not thinking, seeing, or feeling. [Description is descriptive and redundant. I think everyone knows what autopilot is.]
He suddenly dropped the bag of trash he was taking outside to the trash can. “God, I’m such a klutz,” he thought, bending down. [Oh no! Pascal's turning into Bella too! RUN!!] But as he began to clean up the mess, something caught his eye. Something long, slim, plastic, and bearing a blue plus sign. [That's a really old pregnancy test. I think the screens just change color now.]
The memories of the past few weeks flooded Pascal’s brain. “Vidcund was really emotional for the past few weeks…He’s been running to the bathroom a lot…He Woohoo’d Lazlo…” It all began to make sense to Pascal why Vidcund had to leave with Lazlo. [That is not how pregnancy symptoms work. They don't work that way in females and they probably wouldn't work that way in males. And how does Pascal come to that conclusion? How is Vidcund pregnant with a non-alien baby? Why don't I ever explain any of this?]
Pascal was thrown back into reality by the sound of the garbage can hitting the ground. Loki was here, all right, but for once, Pascal didn’t care.
As he turned to go back inside, he gazed up at the night sky. [Careful, Pascal, you might get abducted again.] “Where do I go from here?”
He decided to go insane. [You're in for a wild ride.]
The house they bought was called “Nasty Little Trailer,” and it certainly lived up to its name. [Show, don't tell.]
The vomit green carpet of the foyer and the grimy beige tile of the kitchen area went together perfectly.
Lazlo didn’t know what caused the stains on the wallpaper in the bedroom, but he did know that he didn’t want to find out. [A guy who has zero neat points, whored out his brothers, and then had sex with one of them doesn't want to know what the stain on the wall is. LAZLO, YOU PUSSY.]
Vidcund wasn’t quite sure what the color the bathroom tiles were supposed to be, but he knew it wasn’t green. [Why would I even make them live there? The game gives you 20,000 simoleans when you move out. This house was far less than that. Surely I could have chosen a cleaner, less broken house, but no, it had to be nasty for teh dramaz. Way to let your characters keep some dignity.]
However, they were both sure that they loved each other and their unborn child. [Brotherly love conquers all!]
Pascal was sure that he hated Lazlo and their overturned garbage can was proof of that.
Lazlo pretended not to notice the roaches on the sidewalk and the many dents in the trashcan and instead spoke of his day at the lab.
Sometimes, he even ignored the stink fumes swirling around his armpits, which made for a rather unpleasant arrangement, especially at the dinner table.
Lazlo had kept his job at the drug lab. Money was tight and science was all Lazlo knew. Vidcund, unfortunately, had to quit because it wouldn’t be good for the baby.
Sometimes, Lazlo would come home late at night, with the smell of drugs still on his lab coat. Vidcund always held his breath when hugging Lazlo.
This was why he was very worried when the baby came right after Lazlo got home from work one night. Any amount of the stuff the lab put out couldn’t be good for a baby Sim, considering a relatively small amount could mess up an adult. [Remember from chapter one, Pascal and Vidcund's kids got taken away because they worked at a "crystal stardust" lab? Lazo works at the very same lab and NO ONE even bats an eye at them. Everyone knows he works there, but no social worker comes. THEN WHY'D YOU TAKE PASCAL'S KIDS. SO MANY PLOTHOLES WHY. Did they think, "Well, they couldn't screw the kid up any more, s/he's already inbred"? Not to imply that inbred people are screwed up, but...WHY SO SERIOUSLY ILLOGICAL?]
Luckily there was no residue and no negative effects. Vidcund had a healthy baby girl named Dufanisha Curious. [Again with the made-up names. Was I even trying?]
Lazlo was overjoyed at the birth of their new daughter. “Isn’t she precious? She’s got your eyes, my mouth, our Dad’s eyebrows…”
But due to his busy schedule at work, the only contact with her he could manage was a cuddle and a kiss at night. He didn’t even have the pleasure of being able to watch her sleep for a few minutes because he had to go to bed as well. [He didn't have the pleasure of changing her dirty diapers either.]
During the day, Vidcund was the one to care for Dufanisha. She didn’t do much but lie in her crib and play with her feet (and occasionally, Vidcund’s hair [Newborns do not do this]), but Vidcund was glad to stay home and watch her. He didn’t want to miss a minute of her life. [Wait til she becomes a teen, Viddie. There will be so much you won't even want to ask about. Trust me, I know. I asked my parents.]
He got so wrapped up in caring for the baby, he forgot about the house. The trash bin overflowed with diapers and the dishes piled up in the sink. The microwave was caked in the remains of Vidcund’s attempt to find the exact setting at which to heat up a bottle. [Was it also littered with shattered glass? Shardy milk might be a health hazard. Also, I have a very hard time believing a Sim like Vidcund, who can't even sit on a dirty toilet and will forgo sleeping for cleaning, would let the house get to such a state.]
The bathroom got grimier and greener. [But don't worry: Green is serene!]
All of this changed soon, because when Lazlo was at work, Pascal would come over to visit. He had only recently figured out that Vidcund had been pregnant and wanted to see how he and the baby were doing. He had, to Vidcund’s dismay, absolutely no interest in Lazlo. [Wait, Pascal only recently figured out Vidcund was pregnant? How the hell long did Vidcund's pregnancy last? He figured it out the night they left, and then visited shortly after Vidcund had the baby. I guess it really did only last three days. Why did it last only three days, when up until now, I was trying to keep a somewhat realistic time frame? Either use real-world time or use Sim-time. DO NOT MIX THE TWO.]
Pascal’s visits were Vidcund’s motivation to keep the house as clean as possible at all times. If Pascal saw the house in such a rotten condition, the diatribe about how the mess was most likely Lazlo’s fault, how Lazlo wasn’t good for anything, et cetera, et cetera, could not be short enough. [When did Pascal turn into the overbearing mother-in-law cliche?] Vidcund did not want to have to spend another hour defending one of his brothers against the other. [Note to Vidcund: Then don't.]
Pascal was surprised to see that Vidcund had already had the baby. “She’s so big already!” Pascal exclaimed as he cradled Dufanisha in his arms. [She was just born a week ago and she's already two years old. What do you expect, Pascal?]
“I think I’ll have to start buying a bigger trashcan to hold all the diapers,” Vidcund remarked, tickling the baby’s feet. Dufanisha laughed and grabbed Vidcund’s pointy nose. [We get it. Vidcund's nose is pointy. Don't need to keep pointing it out (pun unintended).] Vidcund nuzzled her.
Pascal was also surprised at how much she looked like Lazlo in her state of babyhood. [Then how can you even stand to look at her?]
After Vidcund finished putting Dufanisha down for her nap, Pascal sat down to chat with him about the move.
“You moved out with Lazlo because you were pregnant?” he asked.
“It was a hard decision. I finally decided I didn’t want Dufanisha to grow up, never knowing her father, so I went with Lazlo. He’s completely in love with her ["But not in the same way he's in love with me. That'd be disastrous!"], but he barely got to see her at first because of his job at the lab. [That the social worker does not notice.] I think it’ll be easier now that his hours have changed, though.” ["Because he got fired for smoking the experiment. Have I brought my ho suit, or did I leave it at your place?"]
At the mention of Lazlo, Pascal became silent. Vidcund continued, “Maybe he misses you. You two haven’t seen each other for a long time. He doesn’t like to talk about our past disagreements ["because then he'd have to actually show an emotion realistically"] but maybe he’s cooled down.”
Vidcund regretted it almost the minute he said it, but it was past mending. He wasn’t going to play referee anymore. [ABOUT TIME.] He was going to get these two to reconcile, even if it took them the rest of their natural lives. [Their unnatural lives, of course, would involve one of them killing the other with a cowplant and drinking the life essence.]
Pascal sighed, then asked, “Have you seen any interesting constellations lately?” [Oh, now you want to act in character. A little late for that, Pascal.]
Pascal’s visit was rather long and he unfortunately ended up being still at the house when Lazlo came home.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Lazlo hissed, poking Pascal. [Because poking is the best way to show you are angry. You can leave out the Sim's actions if they're not realistic for the situation, teen-me.]
“Now, guys, let’s not fight.” Vidcund tried to pull them apart, but Lazlo gently pushed him away. “I don’t want you getting hurt again when I deal with him,” he explained to Vidcund. [Vidcund is a grown ass man. You don't have to protect him, even if you could pick him up and carry him.]
“What, I can’t talk to my own brother just because you don’t like me?” Pascal shot back, poking Lazlo.
“If you want to talk to him, wait until you run into him at the mall or something!” Lazlo spat, jabbing his finger into Pascal’s shoulder. [He wants to stab Pascal with his finger so badly.]
“I’ll talk to him wherever I damn well please,” Pascal retorted, shoving Lazlo. [They're two grown, supposedly unusually intelligent men, and they're shoving each other over who can talk to their middle brother. This is so out of character for all of them, it's come back around to in-character. I think Pascal might want Vidcund, too, otherwise he wouldn't be putting up such a fight. It can just be one big Curious orgy and my brain can melt out of my ears and I can delete the whole neighborhood and replace it with a version that isn't stupid.]
“Except in our house,” Lazlo hissed, shoving Pascal back. “If you don’t want me in your house, I think I have a right to not want you in mine.”
Pascal didn’t get to respond as they were both interrupted by a tiny sniffle. They turned to see Vidcund crying quietly in the corner. [Vidcund, man up!]
Lazlo shot Pascal a “see what you did” look as he went over to Vidcund. He and Pascal exchanged one last steely glare before Pascal stormed out of the trailer.
That night, the trashcan stayed perfectly upright until Circe and Loki made their nightly rounds. Vidcund was so shaken, he burnt their ramen noodles. [OH NO NOT THE NOODLEZ. WHATEVER SHALL I DOOOO? Ramen noodles are not nutritious.]
Pascal decided that he needed a new life. [So the author mercifully deleted him and started over. Of course this doesn't happen.] His brothers had moved on, so it would only be rational that he did so as well. [There was one problem: he had no more brothers to romance and his sister was already married.] It started with him wanting to change his boring routine. He was tired of just working in the lab [and snorting the product on his lunch break]; he wanted some excitement (or at least a distraction from the pit into which he was surely spiraling).
So he sang karaoke at the mall. [Why didn't he do that for tips? He has ten creativity points.]
“I think I’m alone now,
My brothers never want to be around.” [A Tiffany reference. Really. I was obsessed with the 1980s in high school, too, despite the fact that my only memory of the 80s is climbing out of my crib in 1989.]
And he played on the swings with the other guys and gals of Strangetown. [This makes it sound like he's playing with little kids. He's not, he's playing with other adults. At least I hope that's what I meant.]
He’d also begun to make more friends. His newest friend was named Professor Von Ball, or the Prof for short. [Oh, we're just getting into the crazy, now.] Sure, he may have been just a volleyball with a poorly-drawn face, but he was a great conversationalist! [Oh, aspiration failure.]
He was beginning to like cooking a lot more than he had in the past. Sometimes he’d get to see the pretty fire that resulted from it. [Pascal has turned caveman.] And then he’d get to talk to those nice voices in his head. [Um, getting close to offending schizophrenics, there, teen-me.]
Life wasn’t all fun and games, though. Sometimes he burnt his mac and cheese. But that was good too, because then he could inhale the smoke and get that warm fuzzy feeling he got whenever he made those “special” brownies. [What is this. What am I even reviewing.]
Pascal was even more excited when he met another new friend: Mr. Brick. Mr. Brick was always happy. [That's because you drew a smile on his face. Also he has no facial muscles and cannot frown.] Pascal loved this because whenever his special brownies or those shiny red happy pills couldn’t cheer him up, Mr. Brick sure could!
Pascal loved to teach Mr. Brick new tricks. Just last week, he’d taught Mr. Brick to stand up.
[It was so WTF, I changed my species. And possibly biological sex.]
Although he was making new friends, he was still very sad at times. When he wasn’t hanging out with Mr. Brick or chatting with the Prof, he was alone. So very alone. ["How can I not be alone..." Since we're referencing eighties songs (it'd be to the tune of Heart's "Alone"). This should've been some kind of overblown musical, made entirely of eighties song parodies. But that'd probably ruin the era for anyone who likes it, including me.]
Whenever Pascal was alone, crazy thoughts would run through his mind. Thoughts such as, “My life is going nowhere fast,” or, “Why was I even born?” or, “Maybe I should introduce Mr. Brick to my head.” [Wow. That was suddenly depressing.]
But then Pascal would go off to make his brownies and strike up a convo with one of his voices and all was right with the world again. [Drugs make everything better!] He didn’t really think he was a loser. He didn’t really want to end his life, did he? [This is getting creepier and creepier.] Because that would mean he was crazy, right?
RIGHT? [WRONG! Sorry, couldn't resist.]
Sometimes, Pascal would get very pensive and think about his brothers. He’d gotten in a fight with Lazlo just two weeks ago. But the strange thing was, he couldn’t remember why. [Should've been born an elephant, Pascal. They never forget.] In fact, he couldn’t even remember why he’d ever been mad at Lazlo in the first place. It hurt his head to think about it. ["Durr. Why mah bro no likey meh?"] So he stopped.
He stopped thinking about anything. [Out of character. Pascal is very prone to reflection. Also, why does this (and other things) get its own paragraph, like it's some big dramatic statement?]
That night, after a very inspiring chat with his voices, Pascal went up to the deck to look at the stars. He was promptly picked up by aliens. The last thing he remembered thinking was, “What a pretty shiny spaceship!” ["Pretty shiny spaceships flying by." Could be to the tune of "Happy Shiny People." This thing was made for way, way, way off-Broadway. Or maybe "Springtime for Hitler" type material.]
When the aliens dropped him off, he floated to the ground and landed softly. It was like landing on a cloud, or a giant kitten, or into a padded room… [We get it. Pascal be cray-cray. Enough.]
He couldn’t wait to tell the Prof about it.
“An’ it was shiny, an’ there were all these green men, an’ they put me on their operating bed, an’ they took off my pants…” [Why is he suddenly talking like Dennis the Menace?]
Months later, when Pascal realized he was pregnant again, he told the Prof all about it.
But there was the problem of Mr. Brick. When Pascal had the baby, he’d probably be spending a lot of time taking care of it. Mr. Brick might feel left out. [Mr. Brick is a brick with a dumb face drawn on. He does not have emotions.] So Pascal explained very carefully to Mr. Brick that although he would be taking care of the baby, they would still have time to hang out together, maybe when the baby was asleep, or when the nanny was here, or when those nice men in the white coats came to take Pascal to that cozy room with the pillows on the wall… [WE GET IT! And stop abusing those ellipses!]
Right after his convo with Mr. Brick, Pascal went into labor. [Pascal always seems to go into labor at the most convenient times. Maybe he can do it at will or something.]
He had twin girls named Lashawnda and Tyquanderisha. [Those names. God, those names. The copy and paste function got used like the brain bleach will get used tonight.] Unfortunately, the social worker found out about Pascal’s mental condition and sent another young nanny to take one of the twins. [Why only one? And why'd they let him keep the other one when he STILL WORKS AT THE FREAKING ILLEGAL DRUG LAB?] They took Lashawnda, leaving Pascal with Tyquanderisha. [They just happened to take the one that looked more like an alien, too. Conspiracy? We'll never know, because I never followed up on that plotline.]
Pascal reported this to Mr. Brick posthaste. ["Posthaste?" Don't try to class it up now.] “They took Lashawnda, but they let me keep Tyquanderisha! Wasn’t that nice of them? Maybe if I’m good with her, they’ll let me have Shaquandrietta and Lashawnda back!” [That was supposed to be all sad and poignant, but it just sounds stupid now.]
Pascal loved his remaining daughter dearly. He loved every tiny feature about her; her clean green skin, her shiny little black eyes, her smell….He loved how she smelled. He could breathe in the scent of the tiny alien all day long. [Ew. She's your daughter, not your main course. I think I was going to reprise that and make Pascal a vampire who bites her when she becomes a teen. But I never finished the story, and that might actually be a good thing.]
I wanted to use this so many times during the spork, but it'd probably take up too much space and get annoying to scroll past. So I saved it for the end.