|kaleiphant (kaleiphant) wrote,|
@ 2011-05-20 11:15:00
|Entry tags:||along the road to nowhere, bad writing, curious brothers, does not compute, elephant macros, i am twelve what is this, lazlo, loki, pascal, sims 2, spork, strangetown, vidcund, why just why|
Along the Road to Nowhere-Chapter Three: A Self-Sporking
(Edited to add pictures.)
I'm so sorry.
Chapter Three: Keepin' it in the Family [Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.]
Loki was a total butthole. [Wow. What an insightful look into Loki's character. I can totally tell why he does the things he does and what makes him tick from that very descriptive, very eloquent statement.]
His girlfriend Circe wasn’t much better. [Wait, now he's suddenly with Circe? How'd they meet? What attracted them to each other? Where was Vidcund? How did he react? Explain, teen-me, EXPLAIN, DAMN IT!] Pascal was unfortunate enough to cross paths with the amazing butthole duo. [Apparently, I liked that line so much, I used it again. Why, I don't know, but I did.]
His siblings and Buzz Grunt used to watch as he got the seven levels of hell kicked out of him. [No wonder Pascal hates his brothers. Nice job helping him fight, guys. The smell of your popcorn is really distracting him from the fact that he's getting his ass whooped.]
The party really began when Nervous entered the household. [The party don't start 'til Nerv walks in! Don't stop, make him pop, give his nerve endings the chop! Tonight, gonna light, up his brain like it's on fire--Okay, enough Ke$ha parody. Oh, and shameless but somewhat relevant Youtube plug! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ND6Jrfyd
Loki stood by and watched as Circe developed a potion to turn Nervous into a total butthole just like them, completing their trifecta of asshattery. [Again, how does she do this? Teen-me, you got some 'splainin' to do.]
Nervous didn’t get as bad as Loki and Circe, but he did turn out to be a total slob. Roaches soon infested the disgusting house. [And are we to assume this is Nervous's fault? That's pretty harsh, blaming this obviously put-upon man for a roach attack.]
Nervous, who had forgotten to take his “medication potion” (prescribed by Circe [Like Loki didn't do some of that shit]), couldn’t cope with the shock of finding out his living place was a dump. The therapist tended to a clucking, delirious Nervous while Loki bawled his eyes out, not caring that his mascara was running down onto his sweater. [This is the most emo Strangetown ever.]
Even Randy the exterminator was reluctant to enter the cesspit of roach corpses. “This house smells like hot ass and grilled cheese.” [Oh shut up, Randy you dumb townie. Who said you could have lines?]
Nervous felt a few sparks as the exterminator left. Possibly from the cattle prod. [I think I was shipping Nervous with Randy for a second there. Of course, I left this possible plot branch to blow in the wind like so much tumbleweed.]
But it was nothing compared to the high voltage storm he got when near Loki. And he was sure it wasn’t just leftover trauma from that morning’s experiment or a really mean case of Stockholm syndrome. [You sure about that, Nerv? Really sure?]
The feeling was mutual. Loki had only ever felt this alive when he was with Nervous. [WHAT STORY IS THIS, AGAIN?] With Circe, he might as well have been romancing an ice block. With claws. [I'm not even going to guess at what I was thinking here.] Loki macked on Nervous, proving to be more of a butthole than he ever was in the past. ["Macked on?" Why was I trying oh so hard to sound cool? Who even says that anymore?]
But he couldn’t give up one of his biggest pleasures-peeking at Vidcund naked in the shower, using their high-powered telescope.
“Oh, yeah…That’s it, baby…Lather up.” [Loki is now the creepiest character in this story. Lazlo is a close second.]
Vidcund, upon finding out, was always most displeased and made it known to the Beakers when he was dressed enough to run down the street. [He never feels dressed without his five tons of mascara.]
“You fucking pervert!” Vidcund shoved Loki. [I AM SWEARING. I AM ANGREH.]
Loki shoved back. “Alien’s whore!” [That's kind of true, if you really think about it.]
“Dammit, Loki, I told you a thousand times to stop looking through the window when I take a shower, and you just had to get out your telescope, and I bet you had your hand down your pants the whole time, and blah, blah, blah…” [STOP TA-TA-TALKING THAT! Really, that's the last Ke$ha reference, I promise.]
Loki’s hand reached toward his fly. “God, you’re sexy when you’re mad at me.” [What subtlety Loki has. I have no idea why women and men aren't throwing themselves at him.]
With Vidcund obviously out of the running for affair partner [I can't believe he'd actually specifically look for that-what, did he put out an ad in the paper or something?], Loki was perfectly fine with being attractive to just Nervous. [Who has had his brain fried from the experiments. Loki might need a second opinion, preferably from the Therapist and his pinwheel.]
Ever since their big fight, Pascal and Lazlo had been trying to get Vidcund to take sides. [Because Vidcund can't think for himself.]
“Have you ever noticed that Lazlo is not only mental, but a total dick?” Pascal inquired one day. [Pascal would never use those words, ever. Try again.]
“Y’know, you really shouldn’t listen to what Pascal says,” Lazlo told Vidcund later that afternoon. “He’s got his head stuck so far up his ass, I don’t think he ever knows what he’s saying.” [This bit of dialogue actually might be believable, but coming from this incarnation of Lazlo, it fails hard.]
But no matter how much Pascal and Lazlo badmouthed each other, Vidcund loved them both more than anyone in the whole world. How could he bring himself to pick a side? [Why should he have to choose a side? This is between Pascal and Lazlo. If they were adults, they wouldn't need to drag Vidcund in to mediate. But this is a story meant for the Exchange, so yeah.]
The rift between Pascal and Lazlo widened. They may have looked exactly alike, but it was as if they were from completely different planets. [One's from Planet Cardboard Cut-Out, the other's from Uranus.]
The brothers badly needed a new bathroom. They didn’t want another incident like the “Golden Hallway Flood of ’04.” [Piss jokes. Lovely.]
Since Lazlo’s bedroom was converted to a bathroom [Where did they get the money for this if they need to whore themselves?! Continuity FAIL.], he ended up having to share a room with Pascal. Pascal refused to share a bed (or even a room) with Lazlo, so Lazlo ended up with Vidcund.
Sharing a room brought Lazlo and Vidcund closer physically and as brothers. Late at night, when they couldn’t sleep, they’d snuggle up to each other and let the sound of their steady breathing lull them to sleep. [Um. This is getting kind of weird, teen-me.]
One Friday night, Pascal decided to be all boring and study his astronomy books. He didn’t let anyone enter the living room area for hours lest they distract him and throw his entire study session off by a few nanoseconds. [And this is supposed to be from the point of view of three adult nerds. That is not how they'd phrase that. Also, Pascal is a prissy little bitch, isn't he?] So, Lazlo and Vidcund spent the evening in their room. Lazlo turned on the radio and the two danced their little butts off. [And then they were rushed to the hospital to have their butts surgically reattached.]
Lazlo soon found himself wishing that Vidcund would get closer to him. The way Vidcund was gyrating and twisting his body to the music was like flickering colored lights to his brain.
Lazlo couldn’t stop himself as he began to grind against Vidcund. [What's even weirder is they really did grind on each other in-game, even though they are brothers. There's no "family dance" option, like there is "family kiss."] The closer he got, the hotter his neck and face burned. The blood surged through his veins with every shake of the hips. He longed so badly to grab his brother by the hips and run his hands over the ever so slight curve of his backside. [Vidcund does not got back. Lazlo should not be the one to notice that.]
As the song ended, Lazlo suddenly grabbed Vidcund by the shoulders and pulled him into a kiss. Almost immediately after, he pulled away, feeling as thought he’d done something horribly wrong. [NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!11111eleven1twelv
WHY WHY WHY WHY ASDSFGADGDGDFGFBCXDCKSDSDSJDNHDHDSHDHAJD
The next day, the three brothers sat down to study. [How can you study at a time like this?] Pascal refused to be in the same general area as Lazlo, so he went into the kitchen.
Lazlo was studying a cookbook, but the recipes were the furthest things from his mind. [You better not get that whipped cream from the cupboard.] He was thinking about the kiss with Vidcund. He’d liked it, but he was beginning to wish he’d never done it. [I wish you'd never done it, too] It only led to him wanting a second one, and Vidcund had been avoiding him all day. [The first smart thing Vidcund has done all story.] Maybe he thought Lazlo was a pervert and wanted nothing to do with him. [Lazlo is starting to have ideas about the consequences of things. A little late, Lazzie-boy.]
Or maybe, he thought the same way. [NO NO NO NO N-screw it, that's going to get old fast.]
Vidcund couldn’t keep his mind on his chess game. He was still puzzling over why Lazlo kissed him the night before. What could possibly have brought that on? [Temporary insanity? Actually, I think it might be permanent.] It wasn’t like Lazlo could be attracted to Vidcund-didn’t he have a girlfriend a few weeks ago? [Yeah! What ever happened to Crystal Vu?] They’d broken up, but could Lazlo have changed his preference that quickly? [You can't change your sexual preference, silly. And nice job putting Crystal on a bus. I think I had her hook up with Circe or something. That storyline didn't get explored. What a shock!]
That wasn’t to say Vidcund didn’t like it. [Et tu, Vidcund?]
Lazlo lay on the bed that night, thinking. He couldn’t deny it any longer. He liked Vidcund as more than just a brother, and now that they’d kissed, there was no turning back. If Vidcund didn’t feel the same, Lazlo didn’t know what he’d do. [Keep it in his pants?]
When Vidcund entered the bedroom, Lazlo could hold his feelings in no longer. “Vidcund, I love you, and not just as a brother,” Lazlo stated, knowing full well that Vidcund could be totally disgusted at the idea and disown him right then and there. [Glad to see Lazlo thinking things through. Again, Lazlo, it works best when you think about it BEFORE you do it, not while you do it.]
But he wasn’t and he didn’t. [Fragment. This story blows.]
Instead, Vidcund grabbed Lazlo by the shoulders and pulled him into a tender kiss, in the same manner Lazlo had done the night before. [I... just don't even know what to put here.]
In addition to the conflict between Pascal and Lazlo, the brothers had a rebellious house to contend with. The shower in the main bathroom was forever breaking and they needed to do something other than sticking a wad of gum onto the pipes to stop the leaking. [Read a mechanical book. The problem solving skills in this story are just wonderful, aren't they? And these are supposed to be the smartest Sims in Strangetown.]
And Lazlo couldn’t keep giving himself baths in the sink. [Or pissing in pots. Because this story just needs more pee jokes, doesn't it?]
The oven was always catching fire. Too many times, Pascal had to serve burnt food because the stupid oven “hated’ him. [Very mature, blame someone else for your crappy cooking skill level.]
The oven didn’t hate Vidcund; he was just a really sucky cook. [Vidcund seems to be the smartest and least detestable of the three. He shall be the protagonist!]
Speaking of hate, Pascal and Lazlo’s relationship was rapidly deteriorating. It was getting to the point where Lazlo was ready to charge at Pascal if he even looked at him the wrong way. [I suppose the wrong way in this case would be "with affection."]
Perhaps they ought to have been called the “Furious Brothers.” [HARDY GOD DAMN HAR, BITCH.]
Lazlo was getting better at fighting with each round. Soon, his wins greatly outnumbered those of Pascal.
Pascal’s many losses led him to try self-destructive behaviors, such as stress eating. [Never followed up, just meant to be accompanied by a picture of Pascal stuffing his face at the fridge, even though he's a neat Sim. That isn't forced, not at all!]
There were too many days when all Vidcund could do was cry and wish it would all end. [Just when you were starting to seem sort of responsible, you screw it all up.]
Fortunately, Lazlo was always good at lightening the mood. “Hey, look at the bright side,” he’d say. “Hope springs eternal. It has to, or else it would probably go running screaming to the nearest exit.” [That's kind of what my hope for this being a halfway decent story is doing right now.]
Lazlo was such a cute caring guy, who’d never do anything to hurt Vidcund. Well, there was that one time when he left a bruise from when they played “Punch You, Punch Me.” But a few soft kisses and Lazlo took the pain away easily. [What was that even supposed to show? I can't figure out why this has any bearing on anything, except to make Lazlo seem even less likable, which wasn't the intent here, so why?]
One day, Pascal and Lazlo got into a particularly bad fight. Try as he might, Vidcund couldn’t break it up. Pascal managed to break his losing streak and wipe the floor with Lazlo’s butt. [That's such a great mental image, considering that wording and Lazlo's utter lack of neat points. Have fun scrubbing that off the floor, Pascal.]
“What do you think about me moving out and getting my own place?” Lazlo asked Vidcund one day.
“But what about Pascal?” Vidcund wondered. [Why are you at all concerned with anything Pascal does when you've clearly chosen your favorite brother?]
“Pascal hates me. The way I see it, he’d be overjoyed if I moved out,” Lazlo replied, anger tinting his voice. [Oh, god, he IS Cullen. Please don't tell me he's going to sparkle himself to death if he can't marry his brother. Did I really just write that last sentence?]
“But will we still be able to be together?” Vidcund asked. [No. First cousins can't, so you definitely can't.]
Lazlo thought for a minute, then answered, “You could come with me.” [Didn't he already do that last night?]
“But I can’t leave Pascal here all by himself,” Vidcund answered. “And don’t you want to at least try and patch things up with him?”
“I don’t think any amount of talking, arguing or therapy [or incestuous hate sex] can patch things up with him,” Lazlo responded bitterly. “He’s too set on hating me.” [Because you're a terrible person, Lazlo.]
The next day, Pascal surprised them and not in a good way. [Let me guess-he got jealous and asked to join them? It's stupid and terrible, but that seems to be the direction in which this is going.]
They needed more money for the bills. While their paychecks could cover it [GRAHH SO WHY DID THEY NEED TO BE HOOKERS WHY NO CONTINUITY], they wanted to have some left over for repairs to the bathroom and oven.
“Why don’t we try working for that new hotline that just opened up?” Lazlo suggested from the sea of newspapers surrounding him.
“Absolutely not. That is a phone sex hotline; it’s basically prostitution over the phone,” Pascal answered. [Oh, no you didn't reuse that godawful plot point.]
“But all we have to do is-”
“NO.” [AN ACTUAL RECURRING PERSONALITY! OH HAPPY DAY.]
“We can’t just not fix the bathroom and stove. That thing could burn the house down!”
“Then we’ll get a job doing something else, just NOT THAT.”
“Pascal, we’ve been checking the want ads every day, and we still haven’t found any jobs that don’t conflict with our lab shifts,” Vidcund reasoned. “We need this money, fast.” [Oh, Viddie, your protagonist status is falling fast.]
“I’ll find some other way to get it. I will NOT work for a phone sex agency.” [That's right, you tell 'em, Pascal!]
“We have no other choice. Couldn’t you please forget about the encounter with Loki just for a while so we could do this?” [You should know better, Vidcund! Or is Lazlo's personality or lack thereof rubbing off on you?]
Vidcund was knocked to the floor. He stared up at Pascal, shocked, for a few seconds, a hand touching the small bruise forming on his cheek. He then got up and ran from the room. [Violence to force emotion from the audience. This is full of cheap tricks, and I don't just mean the Curious brothers.]
Lazlo’s hands curled into fists. “How could you?!” he screamed, before running after his brother. [Lazlo, actually not being borderline sociopathic? WELL I NEVER!]
He quietly pushed open the door and stepped inside. Vidcund was crying silently into a tissue. [I'm sure the tissue is blackened artfully by his ever-running mascara.]
Lazlo’s footsteps clicked on the tile. Vidcund turned around, hands nearly shielding his face. Upon seeing that it was Lazlo, he dropped them.
“Come here.” Lazlo took Vidcund in his arms, as he began to shake with newly falling [black stained] tears.
“He’s gone too far this time,” Vidcund gasped out. “All I was trying to do was help.” [If you really want to help, get more skill points so you can get a promotion and get more simoleans, then. You own a noodlesoother, for crying out loud!]
“He didn’t mean to hit you, Vid,” Lazlo soothed. “He’d never hurt you like that.”
“Just like he never meant to attack you all those times? Lazlo, Pascal’s lost his damn mind!” Vidcund continued to sob. [Vidcund is the most stereotypically emo character in this. Honestly, he's worse than Bella Swan!]
After Vidcund quit crying, he and Lazlo climbed into bed, since it was rather late, but they didn’t go to sleep right away… [Oh no...]
“Nothing’s going to happen,” Lazlo assured Vidcund the next morning. “We used protection.”
Vidcund figured Lazlo didn’t notice the huge hole in their protection after they finished last night. He ran to the toilet, not quite ready to face the morning sickness that ensued.
[Well, this just turned right into Breaking Dawn, minus the vampires and werewolves.]
Later that night, just as the two brothers were climbing into bed, Vidcund debated whether or not to tell Lazlo. If Lazlo was planning to move out, then the child might grow up never knowing its father. Granted, the child might not want to know that his father was also his uncle, but still, Vidcund couldn’t let that happen. [I...what do you even say to that?]
“Well, good night,” Lazlo said.
“Lazlo, I’m pregnant,” Vidcund stated bluntly. [Hell of a response to "Good night," right there.]
Lazlo only smiled and said, “Then we’d definitely be moving out together.” [Yes, please move out of my story. Oh, who am I kidding? They're the main characters. And Lazlo is way too calm for someone who just impregnated his brother. Wouldn't he at least want to know how this happened? And how does Vidcund know he's pregnant that fast?]
The next morning, Pascal walked into their room to witness the shock of his life. [Other than, you know, having Loki, his mortal enemy BUY HIS VIRGINITY. Oh, and the alien thing. Let's not forget that, either.]
“Hey, Vidcund, can I borrow some deodorant-Oh my God!” Pascal cried. [Does Pascal usually walk into rooms without knocking? He's probably going to rethink that habit after this.]
Lazlo broke the kiss, unaware of a very shocked and disgusted Pascal behind him. “How was that one?” he asked Vidcund, who was completely silent and staring, bug-eyed at something behind Lazlo. Lazlo turned around.
“What the hell do you mean, ‘that one’?!” Pascal snapped. “You’ve done this with him before?!” [How didn't Pascal hear them last night? He was, what, ten feet from the door?]
“Well…..yeah,” Lazlo admitted. No sense in trying to hide it now. [No sense in anything Lazlo's done thus far, really.]
“And just what else have you been doing with him?!” Pascal demanded, stepping dangerously close. ["Dangerously close." That really makes me nervous about Pascal's next actions.]
“It’s really none of your damn business, Pascal,” Lazlo shot back. [No, I think it IS your brother's business when you're getting that close to your other brother. I think it's that Therapist character's business, too.]
“What the fuck is your problem why you have to get it on with him? He’s your damn brother, for the love of God!” Pascal shouted. [When did their religion get monotheistic? Sometimes they say "Gods," sometimes they say "God." Consistency. Get some.] “What, did he want to do it too, is that why I didn’t hear any cries of ‘rape’?!” [No, it's because we already did that overused Exchange-land plot.]
“Will you stop talking about me like I’m not even fucking here?” Vidcund shouted. ["Fucking here?" I thought you were fucking Lazlo! *dodges projectiles*]
“Vidcund, you stay out of this!” Pascal roared. [How do you expect him to stay out of something that applies directly to him?]
“Why should I? It’s just as much my argument as it is Lazlo’s! I refuse to just let you two rip each other’s balls off without some sort of mediation!” ["You can rip each other's balls off according to my rules! And the winner gets to Woohoo me until the author deletes us in shame." Also, I'm surprised they even have balls to rip off. Aren't they Barbie and Ken in that area?]
Pascal picked Vidcund up bodily, deposited him outside the room, then shut the door. [Wait, wait, wait. Just how small is Vidcund that Pascal, who was just revealed to be small himself in the last chapter, can pick him up? Men's bodies don't work like that! You don't just scale them down! And why doesn't Vidcund fight back against Pascal when he picked him up? Does Vidcund have no will of his own at all?!] He turned back to Lazlo. “Y’know, it’s bad enough you pulled that shit with the prostitution, but this really takes the goddamn cake.” [I can't help but imagine that this metaphorical cake was a stripper cake they were going to pop out of for their customers.]
Vidcund could hear their arguing all the way in the bathroom. He could hear it over the toilet flushing. He could hear it with the door closed and his hands clamped over his ears. He could’ve sworn it got louder the more he tried to block it out. He could have sworn it would never end. [Here's a suggestion, Vidcund: use your eight logic points and your three nice points to smack some sense into your brothers.]
In the bedroom, Pascal fixed Lazlo with a steely blue glare. [I don't know about that; Pascal's eyes are more midnight than steel.] “You seem to have a fixation with your relatives and the sexual act. [Now that I think about it, Pascal's got a point. Why didn't I turn this into a look into Lazlo's psyche and why he has these fixations? Oh, right, because I was a demented teenager who didn't care about deep psychological analysis, I just wanted to make Sims do stupid things.] You really are a disgusting little pervert, aren’t you?” he spat. [This dialogue sounds like something from one of those bad made-for-TV movies. Actually, all the dialogue sounds like this, except I'm pretty sure this would make the FCC cry in the shower, whispering "Unclean...Unclean."]
Lazlo only took a quick swing at Pascal, then ran from the room. [WEAK.]
Lazlo ran into the bathroom, where he found Vidcund, sitting on the floor. He sat with his legs drawn up against his torso and his head buried in his arms. His small body trembled ever so slightly against the tile wall. [And we're back to making Vidcund a willowy emo kid. Just because he's skinny, shy, and not the stereotypical guy doesn't mean he cries at the slightest thing.]
“What now?” Lazlo thought, sinking down onto the floor next to him.
After a few minutes of staring at droplets of water dripping from the shower head [That reminds me, I have to take a shower when I'm done with this spork], Lazlo knew what he and Vidcund had to do.
“I think it’s time we left,” he told Vidcund, who’d calmed down a little.
The brothers packed their suitcase and Lazlo found the newspaper (luckily Loki and Circe hadn’t stolen it yet). The house he found advertised in it was ugly and tiny, but it was for sale and it was cheap. The best thing about it was that Pascal wouldn’t be there. [And Lazlo and Vidcund could have all the consanguineous Woohoo they wanted without having to use their indoor voices.]
That day, when Pascal was sleeping, the two brothers called a taxi. As soon as he heard the taxi pull up, Lazlo jumped to his feet and practically ran towards it. This, Vidcund noticed, was the fastest he’d ever seen Lazlo move in his life. [For once, I followed the show-don't-tell rule. Still, too little, too late.]
Vidcund hesitated, looking back at the house. Then he turned around and joined Lazlo quickly. He kept his neck stiff because if he looked back again, he’d have to throw himself from the taxi and run back. [O TEH DRAMAZ.]
No elephants were actually shown this fanfiction. I know some people who'd have my head on a platter for animal cruelty.